Nananabooboo: Don’t Do Me Any Favors

There are many things I don’t do. I don’t chase after buses; there is always another one on the way. I don’t allow anyone to ask me more than three questions at one time; after the third question, it becomes an automatic interrogation. And I don’t ask anyone for anything (if I MUST, I only ask once!); I don’t like to be told “no” and I don’t like to feel as if I must depend on someone else to achieve something or get something I want.

Since you brought it up, let’s talk about having to depend on other people.

I remember once almost crashing into a mountain during a plane ride to a remote island somewhere on the other side of the world. It was vacation time and I needed to get away from my coworkers pronto! The turbulence on the plane was ridiculous. At first I thought I was just experiencing a major gas attack in surround sound and 3D, but the plane’s sudden drop in altitude quickly let me know that the rumble had nothing to do with my ass, but rather a malfunction under the plane’s hood.

There were probably six other passengers on the plane with me, excluding the pilot. He’d already had a heart attack from the anticipation of exploding on the side of the mountain. I asked the person sitting next to me [frantically] to help me figure out how to put on my parachute. I only asked because (1) he was already locked and loaded into his gear, so he had a few moments to spare before diving out of the plane or walking his soul to the bright light at the end of the tunnel where the escalator to Heaven was, and (2) because the plane was about to crash and I figured I had nothing to lose by asking for help. As expected though, the creep didn’t give me the answer I was looking for – or the help.

He looked at me as if I was asking him to save my life or something (which I was, but that’s not the point…well it is…hey, who’s telling the story here?). The look on his face told me to go to hell in every sign language on the planet (forget pictures, looking death in the eye is worth a thousand words). He couldn’t muster up the gumption to tell me to go kill myself, also that’s what prompted me to ask him for help. Instead, he pushed me out of the way and dove head first out of the plane’s emergency door. I wanted to curse him out, but I was too busy cursing the devil for tampering with the plane’s insides. Thankfully and most assuredly, God was on my side. Almost as if by magic, my parachute attached itself to my body and dragged me waist first out of the plane’s emergency doors. I remember falling endlessly from the sky, praying a multitude of thanks to Jesus, cursing the devil, and spitting. I thought it was a good time to see if I (as I plummeted to dry land, preferably not 6ft below the surface) would beat my spit to the ground. I still don’t know who landed first, me or the spit, but on my way down I passed the jerk that didn’t want to help me with my parachute. In the midst of his free fall, his parachute got tangled up in the wings of a family of passing pigeons. The pigeons carried him for a few seconds until they got tired of holding his fat ass. Then they let him go. Serves his mean ass right. All he had to do was help me. If he’d have done so, luck would have been on his side. Instead – I’m sure – he landed on his back side, or front side. It really didn’t matter. When he crashed into the ground, no doubt his body exploded on impact, crushing all of his bones and liquidating all of his sides – back, front, side, inside – all mush; pudding if you will. Of course I wanted to laugh, but laughing wasn’t an option until I landed safely and French kissed the ground, no matter how dirty it was.

The moral of the story is this: If you can’t, don’t, or won’t do what I humbly ask of you, especially when it kills me to ask in the first place, forget about it. I’ll do it myself or count on Jesus. He never says no. I can depend on Him even when I can’t depend on myself.

This Week’s List of Things That Really Pisses Me Off

Guys and Gals, I know you’ve been waiting for it. And here it is. It is officially time for another rendition of “THINGS THAT PISSES ME OFF THIS WEEK.” Considering today is only Tuesday, this week’s list is rather short. Short or not, it still packs a punch. Speaking of punching something…well let’s get to the list first.


People who don’t know any part of a song except the most popular tag line. Listen; nine times out of ten those people can’t sing anyway. Who in the hell wants to listen to someone fuq up the melody of what is otherwise a harmonious rendition of heaven blowing through radio frequencies, and THEN throw a nailed coffin on top of their tone-deafism by not even bothering to put in enough effort to learn the lyrics of the song? Anyone that does this BS is lazy and talentless and should spend the rest of their lives standing on trap doors.


 

Being stood up. The only thing worse than being stood up by someone you really like is being stood up by someone you don’t like at all. It’s already bad enough that being stood up is equivalent to someone finding something better, more important, or more interesting than spending time with you. When you think you’re the life of the party, you’ll find out just how much life support you have when your ride fails to show up to take you to that party. “Garcon, table for one!”


 

Ignored Message

Ignored text messages and phone calls. See #2. The same shit applies.


 

Screwed

Running out of toilet paper at the most crucial moment. This really doesn’t need any supporting statements. Running out of toilet paper at any time is bad. Running out of toilet paper while secretly trying to drop a load in the bathroom of a friend or associate just has “fuqed up” written all over it…in brown ink…outlined in a dark yellow water color. Ladies and gentlemen, shit is officially about to hit the fan.


 

Exactly

Enough said.


If you have something that really pisses you off and you want to see it here, send a message to info@HottywoodHelps.com.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 20-26, 2014

Rotten Psychic

Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You will fall into a vat of toxic waste and acquire the super power to make all of your farts silent.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Keep your eye on the clock and your ear to the ground. Literally. Can’t you just picture the visual?

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

No one needs to know about your ingrown chest hair, but that never stopped you from oversharing.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Nothing says “crazy” like an armadillo dressed as a man posing as an armadillo that says “I love you” in Portuguese.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Keep yourself moving, especially when you feel the urge to pee. Forward motion cures all, except wet stains in your jeans. Well, that’s not true. If you run fast enough, the air will dry up the wet spot.  This may be your lucky day.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It’s time for you to put your foot down and insist that those around you follow your rules, or else they will suffer the wrath of forever watching reruns of Little House on the Prairie while their eyebrows fall out one strand at a time.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Do not remove your shoes this week or else you may reveal a surprising unibrow growing heavily across your left foot. And trust me. That ain’t right.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You will be thinking all day long about someone is doing who you had hoped to be doing. Envy is not a pretty color. Neither is burnt sienna or vomit.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can step in and show the less fortunate just how much better than them you are, but understand with self-absorption comes a brutal beat down in a dark, closed in parking lot.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Your mother’s friend’s roommate’s cousin’s middle boy will steal your friend’s uncle’s wife’s sister’s bra from her clothes hamper. Do yourself a favor and don’t ask why.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your socks should never smell like a Sunday seafood dinner.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The most influential rooms in any building are the kitchen and the bathroom.

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Quote of the week:    “The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 13-19, 2014

mind_reading_2

Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You are so amazing. If you could ever get your lazy ass up off the couch, you’d be unstoppable.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you claim to be carrying thin mints and you’re not carrying thin mints, watch your back, bitch!

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Your question of the day: “Is a farmer who turns a pig into a glazed ham, bossy?”

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you ever get hit by 3 cars, just stay down.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You always have time for two things: (1.) breakfast, and a (2.) selfie.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You can plan an unexpected moment but in the end you’re just a character caught in the act.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your neck is your best feature when it’s covered up with a turtleneck.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Everyone will hear your thighs enter the room long before the rest of you will.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Silent farts make life interesting.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Discipline begins with a jar of vaseline, a baseball bat and two polaroid pictures of baby albino kittens.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The best way to catch a squirrel is to climb up a tree and act like a nut.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You feel open to new things – whore bag.

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Quote of the week:    “The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved; the pig is committed.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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Dear Hottywood,

I met someone online about six months ago. When we met it was really just a turn up thing (as in I was probably drunk or high at the time). After that night I didn’t feel anything for her emotionally or sexually, yet somehow I got pulled into a relationship with her (I know, I know. That’s a whole other issue). During the course of time we’ve been hanging out, I haven’t been intimate with her because I’ve found pleasure in other people. To make a long story short, I recently found out she is (or has been) doing the same thing I’ve been doing; she sent me a note online not knowing she was actually talking to me. I played it off really smooth – I’m pretty sure deadbeat guys across the world would have been so proud of me – and  made a big deal about it and am sure I made her feel as bad as I’d hoped during my break up speech. I used the situation as a way out of the relationship. Should I feel bad? I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now.

Class Act Hypocrite

Dear Class Act Hypocrite,

CaughtSadly I must tell you that you really can’t blame her for doing what she did. If you haven’t been intimate with her, she found a way to tend to her needs just like you did with those other people.

What you’re probably feeling right now is guilt (for being such a hypocrite), cowardly (for not being honest about your feelings), shame (for leading this chick on) and relief (for finally being free from the burden of a meaningless relationship).  If you’re not feeling any of these things then I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you because you should be feeling all of these things.  I hope this answers your question.

Now on the flip side, I wouldn’t be opposed to you throwing yourself a victory party. There is nothing worse than playing house with someone you feel shouldn’t be sitting at the table. You may miss her for a minute though. If you’ve been seeing her for six months (shaking my head at you), then you ought to be used to having her around (like people are used to having dogs and goldfish nearby).  Let that marinate for a moment.

Anyway, chin up! What’s done is done.

Congratulations on your recent freedom! You no longer have to hide the truth from the person who’s been lying to you.

Congratulations on finding a successful way out of a losing situation, with all of its deceitful glory!

And finally, congratulations for not getting caught doing the same sneaky shit this girl got caught doing!

You got lucky. Try not to make this a habit.

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CLICK HERE to see what other people are asking or visit

http://HottywoodHelps.com/Ask-Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 6-12, 2014

Mind Reader

Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Your work behind the scenes is just what it sounds like – unnoticeable to the human eye. As long as you know your worth, you’re good. Yeah. That’s it. Just believe that.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

As much as you can help it, try to avoid getting struck by lightning on a putt-putt court.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

There should be two top expected criteria of anyone wishing to be your friend; 1. The room shouldn’t smell when they leave, and 2. They must promise not to kill you in your sleep.

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Aries March 21 – April 19

People will mistake you for Tori Spelling a lot this week.

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Taurus April 20 – May 20

Every time you put ketchup on your potato chips you will lose a patch of hair from a very important place on your body.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You know a guy who knows a guy that’s giving away free bricks.

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Cancer June 21 – July 22

What you do today will be seen in very different lights tomorrow by people occupying seats of a jury stand.

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Leo July 23 – August 22

A cheap toupee retains heat.

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Virgo August 23 – September 22

It’s more difficult than you think to search for your underwear in the backseat of a moving convertible.

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Libra September 23 – October 22

You cannot get pregnant using a public toilet at a mall. Many have tried. Only one has succeeded and she’s not alive today to tell the story. She died from the overwhelming bathroom pee stench.

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Scorpio October 23 – November 21

The time to grovel is coming soon. Do it and do it well.

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Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

What mature adult doesn’t own a T-shirt cannon???

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Quote of the week:    “If you’re going to make intentional mistakes today, make sure you can afford the price you’re going to pay for them tomorrow.”