Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.
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Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Your work behind the scenes is just what it sounds like – unnoticeable to the human eye. As long as you know your worth, you’re good. Yeah. That’s it. Just believe that.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
As much as you can help it, try to avoid getting struck by lightning on a putt-putt court.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
There should be two top expected criteria of anyone wishing to be your friend; 1. The room shouldn’t smell when they leave, and 2. They must promise not to kill you in your sleep.
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Aries March 21 – April 19
People will mistake you for Tori Spelling a lot this week.
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Taurus April 20 – May 20
Every time you put ketchup on your potato chips you will lose a patch of hair from a very important place on your body.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You know a guy who knows a guy that’s giving away free bricks.
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Cancer June 21 – July 22
What you do today will be seen in very different lights tomorrow by people occupying seats of a jury stand.
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Leo July 23 – August 22
A cheap toupee retains heat.
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Virgo August 23 – September 22
It’s more difficult than you think to search for your underwear in the backseat of a moving convertible.
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Libra September 23 – October 22
You cannot get pregnant using a public toilet at a mall. Many have tried. Only one has succeeded and she’s not alive today to tell the story. She died from the overwhelming bathroom pee stench.
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Scorpio October 23 – November 21
The time to grovel is coming soon. Do it and do it well.
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Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
What mature adult doesn’t own a T-shirt cannon???
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Quote of the week: “If you’re going to make intentional mistakes today, make sure you can afford the price you’re going to pay for them tomorrow.”
