Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You are so amazing. If you could ever get your lazy ass up off the couch, you’d be unstoppable.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you claim to be carrying thin mints and you’re not carrying thin mints, watch your back, bitch!

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Your question of the day: “Is a farmer who turns a pig into a glazed ham, bossy?”

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you ever get hit by 3 cars, just stay down.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You always have time for two things: (1.) breakfast, and a (2.) selfie.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You can plan an unexpected moment but in the end you’re just a character caught in the act.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your neck is your best feature when it’s covered up with a turtleneck.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Everyone will hear your thighs enter the room long before the rest of you will.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Silent farts make life interesting.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Discipline begins with a jar of vaseline, a baseball bat and two polaroid pictures of baby albino kittens.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The best way to catch a squirrel is to climb up a tree and act like a nut.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You feel open to new things – whore bag.

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Quote of the week:    “The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved; the pig is committed.”