Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You are so amazing. If you could ever get your lazy ass up off the couch, you’d be unstoppable.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If you claim to be carrying thin mints and you’re not carrying thin mints, watch your back, bitch!
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Your question of the day: “Is a farmer who turns a pig into a glazed ham, bossy?”
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
If you ever get hit by 3 cars, just stay down.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You always have time for two things: (1.) breakfast, and a (2.) selfie.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You can plan an unexpected moment but in the end you’re just a character caught in the act.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Your neck is your best feature when it’s covered up with a turtleneck.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Everyone will hear your thighs enter the room long before the rest of you will.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Silent farts make life interesting.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Discipline begins with a jar of vaseline, a baseball bat and two polaroid pictures of baby albino kittens.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
The best way to catch a squirrel is to climb up a tree and act like a nut.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You feel open to new things – whore bag.
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Quote of the week: “The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved; the pig is committed.”
