Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You will fall into a vat of toxic waste and acquire the super power to make all of your farts silent.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Keep your eye on the clock and your ear to the ground. Literally. Can’t you just picture the visual?
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
No one needs to know about your ingrown chest hair, but that never stopped you from oversharing.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Nothing says “crazy” like an armadillo dressed as a man posing as an armadillo that says “I love you” in Portuguese.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Keep yourself moving, especially when you feel the urge to pee. Forward motion cures all, except wet stains in your jeans. Well, that’s not true. If you run fast enough, the air will dry up the wet spot. This may be your lucky day.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
It’s time for you to put your foot down and insist that those around you follow your rules, or else they will suffer the wrath of forever watching reruns of Little House on the Prairie while their eyebrows fall out one strand at a time.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Do not remove your shoes this week or else you may reveal a surprising unibrow growing heavily across your left foot. And trust me. That ain’t right.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
You will be thinking all day long about someone is doing who you had hoped to be doing. Envy is not a pretty color. Neither is burnt sienna or vomit.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You can step in and show the less fortunate just how much better than them you are, but understand with self-absorption comes a brutal beat down in a dark, closed in parking lot.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Your mother’s friend’s roommate’s cousin’s middle boy will steal your friend’s uncle’s wife’s sister’s bra from her clothes hamper. Do yourself a favor and don’t ask why.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Your socks should never smell like a Sunday seafood dinner.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The most influential rooms in any building are the kitchen and the bathroom.
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Quote of the week: “The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.”
