Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You will fall into a vat of toxic waste and acquire the super power to make all of your farts silent.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Keep your eye on the clock and your ear to the ground. Literally. Can’t you just picture the visual?

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

No one needs to know about your ingrown chest hair, but that never stopped you from oversharing.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Nothing says “crazy” like an armadillo dressed as a man posing as an armadillo that says “I love you” in Portuguese.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Keep yourself moving, especially when you feel the urge to pee. Forward motion cures all, except wet stains in your jeans. Well, that’s not true. If you run fast enough, the air will dry up the wet spot.  This may be your lucky day.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It’s time for you to put your foot down and insist that those around you follow your rules, or else they will suffer the wrath of forever watching reruns of Little House on the Prairie while their eyebrows fall out one strand at a time.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Do not remove your shoes this week or else you may reveal a surprising unibrow growing heavily across your left foot. And trust me. That ain’t right.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You will be thinking all day long about someone is doing who you had hoped to be doing. Envy is not a pretty color. Neither is burnt sienna or vomit.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can step in and show the less fortunate just how much better than them you are, but understand with self-absorption comes a brutal beat down in a dark, closed in parking lot.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Your mother’s friend’s roommate’s cousin’s middle boy will steal your friend’s uncle’s wife’s sister’s bra from her clothes hamper. Do yourself a favor and don’t ask why.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your socks should never smell like a Sunday seafood dinner.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The most influential rooms in any building are the kitchen and the bathroom.

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Quote of the week:    “The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.”