Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 24-30, 2014

Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You may be 100 years old but you don’t look a day over gorgeous. Of course, if you’re looking at yourself in the mirror, once you reach a certain age the eyes are the first things to go.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Cereal eaten out of a trophy bowl tastes like victory with raisins.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Ten thousand cows and yet only one good side of beef. Think about that for a minute.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Never flip the bird to anyone you can’t outrun.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Always drink beer while waiting to view a wine list. It shows class.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

There’s no sport better than hockey. You get to hurt guys and people clap.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If you’re too busy obsessing over someone else’s life, there is most likely something missing from yours.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Tomorrow you will meet a new friend; one that everyone can actually see.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

More homes are destroyed by arguments (and no chicken in the freezer) than fire.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You are only young ONCE. If you act foolish after that you have to find a better excuse.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A modest person won’t blow his “knows” in public.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Benefit the world by synchronizing your tongue with your brain.

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Quote of the week:    “A good business to stay out of is that of another person.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 17-23, 2014

Guess

Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Robin Hood’s costume will continue to be your wardrobe inspiration until the day it rains and your costume shrinks to the size of your neighbor’s baby’s shoe [size], and the shrinkage squeezes the breath out of your frail little or overly bloated body.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Somewhere on the planet there is a kid who believes 100 years ago, you could have written a book about dating in your 30s.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Whistling with your mouth is better than whistling with your butt. Although if you can whistle with your butt, you are a bad ass!

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You are considered well-read if you’ve ever gotten through a Montgomery Ward catalog.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Stroke a gerbil in an east to west direction to receive a secret message from the stars in the form of nibble or squeaky gesticulations. Look up the word “gesticulations.”

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It’s never a good idea to try to get away with forcing twenty thousand Malaysian kids to sew sequin jackets out of your apartment den.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Any day you don’t snap and kill someone is a good day.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

When they say “do 100 crunches,” they don’t mean Nestles.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Somewhere in a small village, owning a goat makes you royalty.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You are about to discover the thrill of popping plastic bubbles in postal packets.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Friends don’t let friends join the math club.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Even with all the money you will pay for your 24-hour deodorant, you will be jipped out of 2.76 hours.

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Quote of the week:    “Cheers to those that wish you well. Those that don’t can go to hell!”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 3-9, 2014

Gas Producer

Find out what luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

An honest face usually comes attached to a liar.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you’re going to sneak out an hour early, you can’t be more than an hour late.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

There are two words on your To-Do list: “Don’t jump!”

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Every now and then it’s kind of nice to eat something you don’t have to compliment every five minutes.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You will find yourself on the corner of Self and Centered.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Driving without insurance is your special super power.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Sex is just a hug that involves your genitals.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Baby steps are easier on the shoes, but puts you at a greater distance from your goal. However who cares? The shoes are what’s really important, right?

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Dreaming is the closest thing you have to cable TV.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Beware of dandruff in the hair of the palms of your hand.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Being polite works, but it hurts.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The friend zone is a non-lover’s prison.

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Quote of the week:    “Hate is the cousin of love and the sister of murder.”