Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You may be 100 years old but you don’t look a day over gorgeous. Of course, if you’re looking at yourself in the mirror, once you reach a certain age the eyes are the first things to go.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Cereal eaten out of a trophy bowl tastes like victory with raisins.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Ten thousand cows and yet only one good side of beef. Think about that for a minute.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Never flip the bird to anyone you can’t outrun.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Always drink beer while waiting to view a wine list. It shows class.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
There’s no sport better than hockey. You get to hurt guys and people clap.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
If you’re too busy obsessing over someone else’s life, there is most likely something missing from yours.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Tomorrow you will meet a new friend; one that everyone can actually see.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
More homes are destroyed by arguments (and no chicken in the freezer) than fire.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You are only young ONCE. If you act foolish after that you have to find a better excuse.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
A modest person won’t blow his “knows” in public.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Benefit the world by synchronizing your tongue with your brain.
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Quote of the week: “A good business to stay out of is that of another person.”