Find out what luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

An honest face usually comes attached to a liar.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you’re going to sneak out an hour early, you can’t be more than an hour late.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

There are two words on your To-Do list: “Don’t jump!”

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Every now and then it’s kind of nice to eat something you don’t have to compliment every five minutes.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You will find yourself on the corner of Self and Centered.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Driving without insurance is your special super power.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Sex is just a hug that involves your genitals.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Baby steps are easier on the shoes, but puts you at a greater distance from your goal. However who cares? The shoes are what’s really important, right?

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Dreaming is the closest thing you have to cable TV.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Beware of dandruff in the hair of the palms of your hand.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Being polite works, but it hurts.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The friend zone is a non-lover’s prison.

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Quote of the week:    “Hate is the cousin of love and the sister of murder.”