Find out what luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
An honest face usually comes attached to a liar.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If you’re going to sneak out an hour early, you can’t be more than an hour late.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
There are two words on your To-Do list: “Don’t jump!”
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Every now and then it’s kind of nice to eat something you don’t have to compliment every five minutes.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You will find yourself on the corner of Self and Centered.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Driving without insurance is your special super power.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Sex is just a hug that involves your genitals.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Baby steps are easier on the shoes, but puts you at a greater distance from your goal. However who cares? The shoes are what’s really important, right?
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Dreaming is the closest thing you have to cable TV.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Beware of dandruff in the hair of the palms of your hand.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Being polite works, but it hurts.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The friend zone is a non-lover’s prison.
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Quote of the week: “Hate is the cousin of love and the sister of murder.”
