Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Robin Hood’s costume will continue to be your wardrobe inspiration until the day it rains and your costume shrinks to the size of your neighbor’s baby’s shoe [size], and the shrinkage squeezes the breath out of your frail little or overly bloated body.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Somewhere on the planet there is a kid who believes 100 years ago, you could have written a book about dating in your 30s.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Whistling with your mouth is better than whistling with your butt. Although if you can whistle with your butt, you are a bad ass!
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You are considered well-read if you’ve ever gotten through a Montgomery Ward catalog.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Stroke a gerbil in an east to west direction to receive a secret message from the stars in the form of nibble or squeaky gesticulations. Look up the word “gesticulations.”
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
It’s never a good idea to try to get away with forcing twenty thousand Malaysian kids to sew sequin jackets out of your apartment den.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Any day you don’t snap and kill someone is a good day.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
When they say “do 100 crunches,” they don’t mean Nestles.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Somewhere in a small village, owning a goat makes you royalty.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You are about to discover the thrill of popping plastic bubbles in postal packets.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Friends don’t let friends join the math club.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Even with all the money you will pay for your 24-hour deodorant, you will be jipped out of 2.76 hours.
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Quote of the week: “Cheers to those that wish you well. Those that don’t can go to hell!”