Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Robin Hood’s costume will continue to be your wardrobe inspiration until the day it rains and your costume shrinks to the size of your neighbor’s baby’s shoe [size], and the shrinkage squeezes the breath out of your frail little or overly bloated body.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Somewhere on the planet there is a kid who believes 100 years ago, you could have written a book about dating in your 30s.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Whistling with your mouth is better than whistling with your butt. Although if you can whistle with your butt, you are a bad ass!

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You are considered well-read if you’ve ever gotten through a Montgomery Ward catalog.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Stroke a gerbil in an east to west direction to receive a secret message from the stars in the form of nibble or squeaky gesticulations. Look up the word “gesticulations.”

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It’s never a good idea to try to get away with forcing twenty thousand Malaysian kids to sew sequin jackets out of your apartment den.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Any day you don’t snap and kill someone is a good day.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

When they say “do 100 crunches,” they don’t mean Nestles.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Somewhere in a small village, owning a goat makes you royalty.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You are about to discover the thrill of popping plastic bubbles in postal packets.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Friends don’t let friends join the math club.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Even with all the money you will pay for your 24-hour deodorant, you will be jipped out of 2.76 hours.

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Quote of the week:    “Cheers to those that wish you well. Those that don’t can go to hell!”