Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 21-27, 2014

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Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

No matter what the situation, everything stops when someone throws a chair.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Why don’t you pour yourself a cup of tea? …and then pour large amounts of brandy into it.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Here is an interesting factoid that will probably get you nowhere in life, except disease and kid-free, unless you live in the hood with Keisha and ’em: “95% of the world’s condom supply comes from Colombia, where the condom bush, CITCALYHPORP REBBUR, is grown.” You’re welcome.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will be sexually intimidated by a woman whose dress size is equivalent to that of a café awning.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The answer to all of your problems can be found at the bottom of a 2 liter root beer bottle.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Douse yourself in cologne samples from magazines dated two years before today. This will serve no purpose but it will kill a lot of time while, especially if you’re doing it while going #2 in the john.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Bulldoze your way to a public restroom. Ah hell. You don’t need a set destination to bulldoze your way through. Just put on a helmet. Someone is sure to trip you up, causing you to land on your forehead. Then the only place you should bulldoze your way through is to the emergency room.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You have all the charm of a dentists’ drill.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You are smart enough to sell fur to King Kong in the middle of summer, but too dumb to leave the same city as a giant ape.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Trying to stretch a season into a life time is like trying to squeeze a gorilla’s foot into a woman’s size 4 pump.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You’ve got to look deeper beneath the surface, unless of course you’re talking about a pimple. Then you’ve moved from profound to plain ole gross.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Something big and wild is headed your way. Don’t get too excited though. It could be a hungry grizzly bear.

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Quote of the week:    “Put your elbows on your knees if you want to $hyt at ease.”

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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Dear Hottywood,Stupid

I’m in love with someone who’s only in love with playing house with me. What’s a girl to do?

~Dangerously in Love

Dear Dangerously in Love,

The answer to your question is simple. Raise your standards – not only for the person that’s not loving you the way you want/need to be loved [holistically], but for yourself. There’s no point in making yourself look like a fool at your own expense.

I’ve said this a thousand times and I’ll say it again. “CHASE DREAMS; NOT PEOPLE.”

Then end.

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CLICK HERE to see what other people are asking or visit

http://HottywoodHelps.com/Ask-Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 7-13, 2014

NO GOOD

Find out what luck and karma has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The person standing next to you has molester toes.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

True love is all about trust, love, respect, and a chair you can pump up and down.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Today you may feel more like a pigeon than a flamingo.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The most appropriate response to the question, “How are you doing?” is “I have enormous bunions.”

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Imagine how you’d look in a vat of baked beans.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Never trust anyone who periodically blows their nose into a handkerchief, then folds it up carefully and puts it back into their pocket as though it is some kind of valuable artifact.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You have the wisdom and emotional maturity of Beaver Cleaver.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Good news! The toughest thing you’ll have to do today is not get peanut butter on your sheets.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can make a game out of almost anything, except farting backwards inside a hot tub.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

The love of your life will seemingly always forget to wear underwear while dining at fast food establishments. This could either work in your favor (free meals) or against you (free crabs…not in a shell). Good luck.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You are sensitive enough to attempt to swerve to avoid hitting pedestrians. However you are not quite as sensitive as not to back up and run over those pedestrians a second time should your attempt to avoid hitting them in the first place fail.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Try not to blow your nose during sex. If you want to know why, blow your nose and find out for yourself (AT YOUR OWN RISK).

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Quote of the week:    “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”

A Metaphoric Story with a Realistic Moral

Big Bird

Not long ago, in a land far, far away (and by far, far away I mean in my head), a talking yellow big bird (we’ll call him Big Bird), stole a wing full of sunflower seeds out of the candy dish that I conveniently, creatively and cleverly sometimes call my sunflower seeds dish.  Big Bird didn’t know, unfortunately, that all of the clouds and stars in the sky are my little spies rewarded by the chimney smoke (and by chimney smoke I mean…well, never mind) that I…again…never mind.  The clouds and the stars told me what Big Bird was up to. There. You satisfied?

Anyway, when I approached Big Bird about his un-stealthy theft, of course toting a bucket of boiling hot water, a machete, a rope, a garden hose, and an oversized plastic garbage bag, he stuttered over his words as he unsuccessfully attempted to deny laying his florescent feathers on my seeds, no doubt fearful (and rightfully so) that I would skin him alive for taking something that didn’t belong to him and lying about it. There was no way on this planet that I was going to let a goofy yellow bird get away with such ratchedness. So I waved the machete back and forth under his wattle until he admitted to his guilt or peed his pants (assuming big birds wear pants, which in this case he did…wear pants, that is).

One wing and a few tears later (and by one wing and a few tears later, I mean some days…I also mean I got hungry and irritated at the same time and severed one of Big Bird’s wings for a mid-Sunday snack. It was good, too), I’d forgiven Big Bird, but not after threatening to chop the rest of him up and fry him into little nuggets if he ever bothered to steal from me again, or lie [to me]. That, apparently in his eyes, meant I’d gotten over his thievery and forgotten how untrustworthy he is, was, could or should be. He’s since several times asked me for some sunflower seeds. GTFOH (expletives)! Each time my response has been “If I share my sunflower seeds with you, Big Bird, there ain’t a cow in Texas!”

Though this story continued with many exciting twists, turns, and both funny and corny quips, ultimately it ended in rivalry and a lawsuit (Big Bird never agreed to me eating his wing. He seemed to be quite attached to it. That is until I chopped it off. He’s now suing me for mutilating him and I’m countersuing him for pilfering my sunflower seeds).

*The moral of the story is even though I may forgive your foolishness, I’ll likely never forget it. Never bite the hand that’ll chop yours off.

“I saw that.” -Karma

KarmaGood morning guys and gals!

It’s been a while since I’ve ranted about nothing, or something that should have really been nothing. And though today I had full intention of writing frightening death threats to the cafeteria crew for not having any coffee available in the cafeteria this morning, and once again for the scare of them not being functional in any capacity today, the heavens opened up and shone a ray of light dressed in the same garments as a bitch named Karma, when I received an unexpected instant message from a relative telling me that someone who wronged me in the not-so-distant past was getting a taste of her own medicine while choking nearly to death on a thick, unsweetened slice of humble pie. The good news of her bad luck shielded the cafeteria crew from my angry, hungry wrath.

Words could not express the joy that flooded my soul. Sure. I know I’m wrong for wishing ill on a bad luck charm dressed in women’s clothes. I know I’m wrong for not wanting to see or encourage her to pick herself up by her size 875,965,225,852 ½ bootstraps and turn her miserable, crumbling life around. I know I’m wrong for missing breakfast…oh wait…wrong story.

The bottom line is, even though I know I’m wrong for being happy about Karma spitting in her coffee, I’m satisfied because I took my own advice and avoided flattening her tires and spray painting her automobile windshield black. Instead, I waited for her to step in her own pile of smelly doo-doo. And I find great pleasure in knowing that’s there’s not much she can do to undo the doo-doo she dun done.

Karma is like a rubber band. You can only stretch it but so far before it snaps back and smacks you in the face.