A Metaphoric Story with a Realistic Moral

Big Bird

Not long ago, in a land far, far away (and by far, far away I mean in my head), a talking yellow big bird (we’ll call him Big Bird), stole a wing full of sunflower seeds out of the candy dish that I conveniently, creatively and cleverly sometimes call my sunflower seeds dish.  Big Bird didn’t know, unfortunately, that all of the clouds and stars in the sky are my little spies rewarded by the chimney smoke (and by chimney smoke I mean…well, never mind) that I…again…never mind.  The clouds and the stars told me what Big Bird was up to. There. You satisfied?

Anyway, when I approached Big Bird about his un-stealthy theft, of course toting a bucket of boiling hot water, a machete, a rope, a garden hose, and an oversized plastic garbage bag, he stuttered over his words as he unsuccessfully attempted to deny laying his florescent feathers on my seeds, no doubt fearful (and rightfully so) that I would skin him alive for taking something that didn’t belong to him and lying about it. There was no way on this planet that I was going to let a goofy yellow bird get away with such ratchedness. So I waved the machete back and forth under his wattle until he admitted to his guilt or peed his pants (assuming big birds wear pants, which in this case he did…wear pants, that is).

One wing and a few tears later (and by one wing and a few tears later, I mean some days…I also mean I got hungry and irritated at the same time and severed one of Big Bird’s wings for a mid-Sunday snack. It was good, too), I’d forgiven Big Bird, but not after threatening to chop the rest of him up and fry him into little nuggets if he ever bothered to steal from me again, or lie [to me]. That, apparently in his eyes, meant I’d gotten over his thievery and forgotten how untrustworthy he is, was, could or should be. He’s since several times asked me for some sunflower seeds. GTFOH (expletives)! Each time my response has been “If I share my sunflower seeds with you, Big Bird, there ain’t a cow in Texas!”

Though this story continued with many exciting twists, turns, and both funny and corny quips, ultimately it ended in rivalry and a lawsuit (Big Bird never agreed to me eating his wing. He seemed to be quite attached to it. That is until I chopped it off. He’s now suing me for mutilating him and I’m countersuing him for pilfering my sunflower seeds).

*The moral of the story is even though I may forgive your foolishness, I’ll likely never forget it. Never bite the hand that’ll chop yours off.

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