Find out what luck and karma has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The person standing next to you has molester toes.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

True love is all about trust, love, respect, and a chair you can pump up and down.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Today you may feel more like a pigeon than a flamingo.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The most appropriate response to the question, “How are you doing?” is “I have enormous bunions.”

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Imagine how you’d look in a vat of baked beans.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Never trust anyone who periodically blows their nose into a handkerchief, then folds it up carefully and puts it back into their pocket as though it is some kind of valuable artifact.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You have the wisdom and emotional maturity of Beaver Cleaver.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Good news! The toughest thing you’ll have to do today is not get peanut butter on your sheets.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can make a game out of almost anything, except farting backwards inside a hot tub.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

The love of your life will seemingly always forget to wear underwear while dining at fast food establishments. This could either work in your favor (free meals) or against you (free crabs…not in a shell). Good luck.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You are sensitive enough to attempt to swerve to avoid hitting pedestrians. However you are not quite as sensitive as not to back up and run over those pedestrians a second time should your attempt to avoid hitting them in the first place fail.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Try not to blow your nose during sex. If you want to know why, blow your nose and find out for yourself (AT YOUR OWN RISK).

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Quote of the week:    “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”