Find out what luck and karma has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
The person standing next to you has molester toes.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
True love is all about trust, love, respect, and a chair you can pump up and down.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Today you may feel more like a pigeon than a flamingo.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
The most appropriate response to the question, “How are you doing?” is “I have enormous bunions.”
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Imagine how you’d look in a vat of baked beans.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Never trust anyone who periodically blows their nose into a handkerchief, then folds it up carefully and puts it back into their pocket as though it is some kind of valuable artifact.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You have the wisdom and emotional maturity of Beaver Cleaver.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Good news! The toughest thing you’ll have to do today is not get peanut butter on your sheets.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You can make a game out of almost anything, except farting backwards inside a hot tub.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
The love of your life will seemingly always forget to wear underwear while dining at fast food establishments. This could either work in your favor (free meals) or against you (free crabs…not in a shell). Good luck.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You are sensitive enough to attempt to swerve to avoid hitting pedestrians. However you are not quite as sensitive as not to back up and run over those pedestrians a second time should your attempt to avoid hitting them in the first place fail.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Try not to blow your nose during sex. If you want to know why, blow your nose and find out for yourself (AT YOUR OWN RISK).
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Quote of the week: “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”
