Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
No matter what the situation, everything stops when someone throws a chair.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Why don’t you pour yourself a cup of tea? …and then pour large amounts of brandy into it.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Here is an interesting factoid that will probably get you nowhere in life, except disease and kid-free, unless you live in the hood with Keisha and ’em: “95% of the world’s condom supply comes from Colombia, where the condom bush, CITCALYHPORP REBBUR, is grown.” You’re welcome.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You will be sexually intimidated by a woman whose dress size is equivalent to that of a café awning.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
The answer to all of your problems can be found at the bottom of a 2 liter root beer bottle.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Douse yourself in cologne samples from magazines dated two years before today. This will serve no purpose but it will kill a lot of time while, especially if you’re doing it while going #2 in the john.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Bulldoze your way to a public restroom. Ah hell. You don’t need a set destination to bulldoze your way through. Just put on a helmet. Someone is sure to trip you up, causing you to land on your forehead. Then the only place you should bulldoze your way through is to the emergency room.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
You have all the charm of a dentists’ drill.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You are smart enough to sell fur to King Kong in the middle of summer, but too dumb to leave the same city as a giant ape.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Trying to stretch a season into a life time is like trying to squeeze a gorilla’s foot into a woman’s size 4 pump.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You’ve got to look deeper beneath the surface, unless of course you’re talking about a pimple. Then you’ve moved from profound to plain ole gross.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Something big and wild is headed your way. Don’t get too excited though. It could be a hungry grizzly bear.
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Quote of the week: “Put your elbows on your knees if you want to $hyt at ease.”
