Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

No matter what the situation, everything stops when someone throws a chair.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Why don’t you pour yourself a cup of tea? …and then pour large amounts of brandy into it.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Here is an interesting factoid that will probably get you nowhere in life, except disease and kid-free, unless you live in the hood with Keisha and ’em: “95% of the world’s condom supply comes from Colombia, where the condom bush, CITCALYHPORP REBBUR, is grown.” You’re welcome.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will be sexually intimidated by a woman whose dress size is equivalent to that of a café awning.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The answer to all of your problems can be found at the bottom of a 2 liter root beer bottle.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Douse yourself in cologne samples from magazines dated two years before today. This will serve no purpose but it will kill a lot of time while, especially if you’re doing it while going #2 in the john.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Bulldoze your way to a public restroom. Ah hell. You don’t need a set destination to bulldoze your way through. Just put on a helmet. Someone is sure to trip you up, causing you to land on your forehead. Then the only place you should bulldoze your way through is to the emergency room.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You have all the charm of a dentists’ drill.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You are smart enough to sell fur to King Kong in the middle of summer, but too dumb to leave the same city as a giant ape.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Trying to stretch a season into a life time is like trying to squeeze a gorilla’s foot into a woman’s size 4 pump.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You’ve got to look deeper beneath the surface, unless of course you’re talking about a pimple. Then you’ve moved from profound to plain ole gross.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Something big and wild is headed your way. Don’t get too excited though. It could be a hungry grizzly bear.

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Quote of the week:    “Put your elbows on your knees if you want to $hyt at ease.”