Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 19-25, 2014

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Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

A waffle iron between the sheets gives new meaning to breakfast in bed and toasting your buns.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Tonight, go to sleep with a rubber ducky, for tomorrow you will awaken in your own pool of drool…and it will smell like a rough night and bad morning combined.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are homesick for a place you’ve never been or a person you’ve never been in.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

One lap dance is too many and a thousand is not enough.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You can’t not know what you know they know.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

If you can “huh,” you can hear.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A human, a bioroid, and a cyborg all walk into a bar… Catch phrase this.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Never trust a girl whose tracks are showing. She doesn’t give a fu*k!

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

There are much easier things in life than finding the love of your life; like nailing Jell-O to a tree, for example.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Consciousness is that annoying time between naps.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

In the movie, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,’ one never sees any tigers or dragons. The reason why is because they are crouching and hidden.

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Quote of the week:    “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” –Winston Churchill

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