Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 23-29, 2014

 FotoFlexer_Photo

Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You have no use for a bar that can’t get you drunk.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

What good is having a secret if u can’t tell somebody?

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A conversation of yours will go something like this:

“Are you/she pregnant?”

“You ask me that almost every day and almost every day I say yes.”

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Everybody that talks about Heaven ain’t going there.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The conflict of your division is neutralized when you realize your conditions are the same as your opponent’s.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Don’t find comfort in shallow relationships with hookers.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A booty call will steal your alarm clock.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You will be interested in someone else’s affairs until an open handed slap lands on your chubby left cheek. Learn to mind your business.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Things are likely to go your way for much of the day provided you sleep through most of the day.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you don’t tie your shoe laces, you may very well trip and fall and land on somebody’s butt. Ironically that person will be the very one who told you to kiss their ass. Karma is a motherfucker, isn’t it?

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

If you didn’t see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears, don’t invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

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Quote of the week:    “The only way you’ll get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.”

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Hair Weaves and Hell Freezes Over in Washington, DC

Washington DC is experiencing frigid temperatures this week as a result of Mother Nature’s bitter wrath, leaving some with frozen water pipes and nipples and others without heat or hair dryers. Well what more can we expect? It’s winter for Christ’s sake. Hell, it was winter back when summer was packing it’s bags for the season. We just skipped over fall all together.

COLD


Personally, I rather enjoy the winter season. Granted, this cold temperature has my balls drawing up, but that’s no comparison to the dozens of women skating the streets with frozen hair weaves and limp lashes.

Cold in the City

Ladies, this cold weather can’t be doing much for your social lives. You can’t rely on your extended faux lashes or your silicone breasts and butt implants to grab the attention of some old, decrepit, deep pocketed, 40 ounce beer guzzling, gullible guy to keep you and your yak fur warm at night.


Frozen Hair 2



Frozen Eyelashes


Fret not, chicas! Soon the weather will break and the sun will shine bright enough to melt holes in the underarms of your blouses while getting you all scantily clad so you can be the skanks you were before hell froze over. That’s something to look forward to, right?


Hell Freezes Over


Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 16-22, 2014

Bad Magic

Find out how cracked your ball is this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Pizza will get to your house before the police will. Order doughnuts instead.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Just because you don’t care doesn’t mean you don’t understand.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Follow your heart but take your brain and a baseball bat with you.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Never laugh at your significant other’s choices. You are one of them.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A waste of money is putting a Vietnamese hooker on a mechanical bull.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

As a Christmas gift, you will receive a self-cleaning house, the ability to sexually please yourself without using your hands, and an illegible doctor’s prescription for hallucinogens scribbled in crayon.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The most active thing about you is the gas you pass after you’ve eaten ice cream and ginger snaps.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Remember these words: TOO SOON; BITCH BAIT; and FREE AFTER 9.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Two thing that are worse than a bad excuse is no excuse at all and wearing white underwear that have changed colors to a pale yellow.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

It’s a game changer when you break your own rules on purpose. It’s a death wish when you break the puff-puff pass cycle.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

If you can work the words “snot pocket” into 4 conversations between the 2nd and 3rd hour on the afternoon of the 5th day of this week, your groin section will turn to gold, making you irresistible to the opposite sex.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A mop that stops is a mop that mops not

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Quote of the week:    “Warning: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are dying for you to phone them at two in the morning.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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Dear Hottywood,

I hate to bring another relationship issue to Ask Hottywood, but I’m a bit at a standstill. My girlfriend has been missing in action for the last three weeks. In that time I’ve probably seen her three times (once per week), but the pattern is so abrupt. It has me worried that she’s seeing someone else. I just don’t have proof. I can’t shake this worried feeling that our relationship is over. I’ve been trying to be faithful and wait for things to get back to normal, but I’m not seeing any signs of normalcy and am beginning to care less about the demise of what we had that I once thought was so good. What should I do? Is it time to let go and move on?

~Wits End

Dear Wits End,

Don’t worry about what issues you bring to Ask Hottywood. What does Hottywood do? Hottywood Helps, no matter what the issue is.

Trust me when I tell you I’ve been where you are. I’ve been where you are at least five times in my life (five times meaning five hundred), the last being the hardest to deal with. I say that to say I understand that it’s not quite so simple to let go of someone because your heart (and your mind) doesn’t want to allow giving up to be an option. Think about it though. If your girl has been MIA for three weeks, but has graced you with her presence three times in twenty one days, she’s left you no choice but to assume something is up [enter worry and frustration here]. That ol’ heifer.

I don’t want to put any more thoughts in your mind than what you’ve already concocted yourself, but three weeks is a long time to leave someone hanging. Do you deserve that? Is that what you wanted or expected? NO! I don’t necessarily want to tell you to let go however it is time to move on with yourself. And I’m not talking about the right palm…yet. If your relationship with her is meant to be then it shall be. Don’t be a dummy in the process though. While you’re waiting around for her, who knows what she’s doing. Good or bad, the problem is that you don’t know. If you don’t know, that means she’s stumped the communication, which is a problem because if there’s one thing females like to do, it’s talk. So if she’s not talking to you…well, again, you’ve probably already thought about what I’m thinking so I won’t say it for fear of making matters worse. I know how dudes get when their girl or their favorite piece of ass goes ghost (I feel your pain my brutha. Stay strong. New booty is on the way soon if the old broad can’t get her shit together). …don’t jump to conclusions, though, until you’ve given her a fair chance to explain where the hell she’s been. If she chooses not to explain, chances are she’s hiding something. THEN you worry.

Meanwhile, revel in the time you had with her at one point. Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst, or at least, or most – whatever you decide – prepare yourself for a new chapter in life. There’s no point in you waiting around for someone who is avoiding you. You can’t read her mind and begging (in my opinion) is not an option. Man up and focus on you. Once all of your attention is back on yourself, either she’ll come around or you will find someone else to hold your attention. Rent some porn; whack off a bit; go lay someone else. Exercise. Chop wood. Who cares? Do whatever you need to do to stop thinking about the one person who can’t or won’t find the time to think about you.

Let me leave you with this thought: “The higher up on the food chain you go, the admiration isn’t just for the hungry, but for the ones that go the extra mile to take a bite.” Chew on that.

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CLICK HERE to see what other people are asking or visit

http://HottywoodHelps.com/Ask-Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 9-15, 2014

 Prediction

Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

A man with a habit ain’t hard to find.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You have a fat puppy’s lazy-like determination and will consistently work hard at successfully doing nothing. Your waste of space is about as important as it sounds, but vital to the universe.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The fear you put in others comes in handy when you don’t want to give up your seat for old people on public transit. In short, you are an ass.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You have to look within yourself to escape yourself. Only then will your true self be revealed.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism, so if I tell you your HORRORscope you’d probably cuss me out (even though it’d be wise for you to do that behind my back). You need an attitude adjustment or a good ass whooping.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

For the next 7 days you will be cold and unemotional and will often times fall asleep while pleasuring yourself (which includes wolfing down cheeseburgers after midnight).

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You are the artistic type and really good with your hands. The only reason you passed math class is because you were talented enough to count on your fingers.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your impending change of employment means your ass is about to get fired. Update your resume with a red crayon.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You cannot be trusted because of your lack of ethics. Cheating on your significant other is expected of you. Prepare to die alone.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You are the perfect son of a bitch.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You should avoid standing still for long periods of time because you may be prone to attracting pigeons.

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Quote of the week:    “The afternoon knows what the morning never expected.”

Hang Out MORE and Hangover LESS: Professional Drunkism

Are you some poor lush who can’t help but to get wasted every now and then, and by “every now and then” I mean all the damn time?  Do you make a complete ass out of yourself when you’ve been filled with the libation of your choice?  Do you dance on table tops, strip in front of crowds, or consistently leak fumes of alcohol through your pores?  Then your butt needs to be glued to a seat with your eyelids scotch-taped to your eyebrows so you can read the following message:

“THERE IS HOPE FOR YOUR DRUNK ASS!”

There is no denying that there’s pure greatness in losing all your inhibitions when alcohol comes into play.  Who are we kidding?  It’s the best feeling on the planet — next to sex, of course.  Think about it; not caring or worrying about anything or anyone – no reservations, hesitations or anything that ends in “ations.”  But with great joy also comes great pain.  That which we call the “hangover.”

Hangovers are the enemy.  They remind us how much of a great time we’ve had the night before – true, but they also remind us that we are not above the overwhelming headaches, stomach aches and barf bags.  So to all you alchies who can’t function without a drink in your hand as well as to the novice victims of inebriation, below are a few tips to help your joyful pathetic soul avoid the dreaded hangover, as much as possible.

Tip #1:  Though it goes without saying that dark drinks gets your goose loose in no time flat, they also bring on the worse hangovers and dries your mouth out like salt to a slug.  So pump yourself with water while you are drinking.  If you don’t want to be the only health-conscious lush at the party, try drinking a glass of water after every 3rd drink.  You want to prevent dehydration as much as possible.   And since drinking heavily causes you to pee-pee often, it only makes sense that you drink enough water to cover what you lose in urination, right?  In addition to the dehydration making you feel as if the room is spinning and you can pass out at any moment, it also makes your breath stink.  And no one wants that!

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Tip #2:   Keep some ibuprofen handy.  It’ll be your best friend when the morning after is laughing at you hysterically for A) tongue-kissing that total stranger in the middle of the dance floor or B) forgetting where the hell you left your underwear, provided your hot ass wore some to begin with.  Either way, it’s best to pop the pill just before you pass out and hit your head on the coffee table…I mean pillow.

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Tip #3:   Squirt some lemon juice on your tongue prior to drinking like a fish.  Something in the juice causes you not to get quite so sick, leaving you more precious time to practice your best interpretation of a wino!   Lemon juice also adds zest to the drink of your choice, so you’d be killing two birds with one stone.

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Tip #4:  The absorption of ethyl alcohol is dependent on the rate of gastric emptying.  For all you jocks and floozies who never paid attention in science, biology or chemistry class – don’t drink on an empty stomach.  The more slow-digesting foods you eat before drinking, the slower you will absorb alcohol.  Fatty and protein-rich foods digest slower, so they work best.  Think steak n’ cheese & burgers!  Mmmm.

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Tip #5:  Since NOT drinking isn’t an option to avoid or prevent a hangover, make sure you have nothing to do the next day and sleep like a lazy bum!   Just be aware that that’ll be the time when everyone will want to visit or call you.  After all, isn’t that life’s funny little way?  Sending people to look you in your baggy eyes when you look and feel your absolute worst?   Life can be a real bitch sometimes.   And so can the people who are busy laughing at your hungover ass.

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These tips are not all guaranteed to keep you partying all night long.  We’ll leave that to the rock stars.  But they will help you party longer with less of a throbbing afterwards.  And if even if you choose to ignore all these useful words of wisdom, there’s one thing I implore you never to forget: 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the week:   “Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.”

Please Leave a Message at the Beep…or Don’t. I Don’t Care

RING RING RING:

“I’m sorry I’m not available to receive your call, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief detail of the purpose of your call, I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a great day!”

BEEP

PHONE MESSAGEMaybe I was born under a rock, but whenever I get this message when I DO bother to call someone, I follow directions; leave my name, number and a brief detail of the purpose of my call, and then wait for someone to call me back. What I don’t do (and what I hate when anyone does it to me) is call the number back three, four or five THOUSAND more times until someone gets on the phone, annoyed enough to tell me to stop calling just before they hang up on me and block my number.

Guys and gals – especially if you are a guy or a gal that’s calling someone because you want to borrow money, sugar or get some ass – don’t do this! Just don’t. It’s intrusive, inconsiderate and pressed. It also implies that you can’t follow directions, which automatically makes one assume you were a D student in school who failed every subject except lunch.

I could elaborate on this, but I think I’ve spelled everything out in black and white. Oh wait…I forgot. Some of you are D students who failed every subject in school except lunch. I guess that would include English and Reading. So for the sake of argument, when you hear this:

RING RING RING

“I’m not so sorry that I’m not available to receive your call, because chances are you are going to call back any way and disregard my opening statement that clearly states I’m not available to receive your call. I guess if you must, you can leave your name and number. There’s no need to leave a reason for your call because the chances of me not caring are great. I might call you back, depending on the number of times I see your number on my caller ID. You are most likely calling because you want something that I am unable or unwilling to give.  Listen for the beep and decide wisely on how you will proceed. Bye.”

BEEP

Follow the damn directions and sit back and be patient. GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE THAT WAIT.


Quote of the Week:  “When you ignore a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual.”