Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You have no use for a bar that can’t get you drunk.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
What good is having a secret if u can’t tell somebody?
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
A conversation of yours will go something like this:
“Are you/she pregnant?”
“You ask me that almost every day and almost every day I say yes.”
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Everybody that talks about Heaven ain’t going there.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
The conflict of your division is neutralized when you realize your conditions are the same as your opponent’s.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Don’t find comfort in shallow relationships with hookers.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
A booty call will steal your alarm clock.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
You will be interested in someone else’s affairs until an open handed slap lands on your chubby left cheek. Learn to mind your business.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Things are likely to go your way for much of the day provided you sleep through most of the day.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
If you don’t tie your shoe laces, you may very well trip and fall and land on somebody’s butt. Ironically that person will be the very one who told you to kiss their ass. Karma is a motherfucker, isn’t it?
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
If you didn’t see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears, don’t invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
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Quote of the week: “The only way you’ll get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.”