Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You have no use for a bar that can’t get you drunk.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
What good is having a secret if u can’t tell somebody?
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
A conversation of yours will go something like this:
“Are you/she pregnant?”
“You ask me that almost every day and almost every day I say yes.”
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Everybody that talks about Heaven ain’t going there.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
The conflict of your division is neutralized when you realize your conditions are the same as your opponent’s.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Don’t find comfort in shallow relationships with hookers.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
A booty call will steal your alarm clock.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
You will be interested in someone else’s affairs until an open handed slap lands on your chubby left cheek. Learn to mind your business.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Things are likely to go your way for much of the day provided you sleep through most of the day.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
If you don’t tie your shoe laces, you may very well trip and fall and land on somebody’s butt. Ironically that person will be the very one who told you to kiss their ass. Karma is a motherfucker, isn’t it?
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
If you didn’t see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears, don’t invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
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Quote of the week: “The only way you’ll get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.”
Trust me when I tell you I’ve been where you are. I’ve been where you are at least five times in my life (five times meaning five hundred), the last being the hardest to deal with. I say that to say I understand that it’s not quite so simple to let go of someone because your heart (and your mind) doesn’t want to allow giving up to be an option. Think about it though. If your girl has been MIA for three weeks, but has graced you with her presence three times in twenty one days, she’s left you no choice but to assume something is up [enter worry and frustration here]. That ol’ heifer.
Are you some poor lush who can’t help but to get wasted every now and then, and by “every now and then” I mean all the damn time? Do you make a complete ass out of yourself when you’ve been filled with the libation of your choice? Do you dance on table tops, strip in front of crowds, or consistently leak fumes of alcohol through your pores? Then your butt needs to be glued to a seat with your eyelids scotch-taped to your eyebrows so you can read the following message:
– no reservations, hesitations or anything that ends in “ations.” But with great joy also comes great pain. That which we call the “hangover.”
Tip #1: Though it goes without saying that dark drinks gets your goose loose in no time flat, they also bring on the worse hangovers and dries your mouth out like salt to a slug. So pump yourself with water while you are drinking. If you don’t want to be the only health-conscious lush at the party
, try drinking a glass of water after every 3rd drink. You want to prevent dehydration as much as possible. And since drinking heavily causes you to pee-pee often, it only makes sense that you drink enough water to cover what you lose in urination, right? In addition to the dehydration making you feel as if the room is spinning and you can pass out at any moment, it also makes your breath stink. And no one wants that!
Tip #2: Keep some ibuprofen handy. It’ll be your best friend when the morning after is laughing at you hysterically for A) tongue-kissing that total stranger in the middle of the dance floor or B) forgetting where the hell you left your underwear, provided your hot ass wore some to begin with. Either way, it’s best to pop the pill just before you pass out and hit your head on the coffee table…I mean pillow.
Tip #3: Squirt some lemon juice on your tongue prior to drinking like a fish. Something in the juice causes you not to get quite so sick, leaving you more precious time to practice your best interpretation of a wino! Lemon juice also adds zest to the drink of your choice, so you’d be killing two birds with one stone.
Tip #4: The absorption of ethyl alcohol is dependent on the rate of gastric emptying. For all you jocks and floozies who never paid attention in science, biology or chemistry class – don’t drink on an empty stomach. The more slow-digesting foods you eat before drinking, the slower you will absorb alcohol. Fatty and protein-rich foods digest slower, so they work best. Think steak n’ cheese & burgers! Mmmm.
Tip #5: Since NOT drinking isn’t an option to avoid or prevent a hangover, make sure you have nothing to do the next day and sleep like a lazy bum! Just be aware that that’ll be the time when everyone will want to visit or call you. After all, isn’t that life’s funny little way? Sending people to look you in your baggy eyes when you look and feel your absolute worst? Life can be a real bitch sometimes. And so can the people who are busy laughing at your hungover ass.
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