Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Who needs Halloween decorations when you can just hang up pictures of your selfies?
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Stopping a microwave at 0:01 is the closest you’ll get to defusing a bomb and saving lives.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
To help end world hunger, advocate for all the hungry people of the world to take smaller bites and chew thoroughly. Their food will last longer.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Someone poured about 90 minutes more worth of sand into your hour glass figure.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
There may not be any mints on your pillow but you can certainly find some gum under your chair.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You live in a world that’s built on promises, constructed by liars. Chew on that for a minute.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
A playing field and a battle field are very much one in the same if in fact your intentions are different from someone else’s.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Today is the second day of the rest of your life this week.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Not doing too bad is not good enough, you slacker!
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Say it. Don’t spray it, pal.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You have the hand gestures of a wagon driver.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
A period is the devil’s way of saying “hi.”
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Quote of the week: “The worst part about being lied to is knowing you weren’t worth the truth.”
