Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Who needs Halloween decorations when you can just hang up pictures of your selfies?

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Stopping a microwave at 0:01 is the closest you’ll get to defusing a bomb and saving lives.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

To help end world hunger, advocate for all the hungry people of the world to take smaller bites and chew thoroughly. Their food will last longer.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Someone poured about 90 minutes more worth of sand into your hour glass figure.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There may not be any mints on your pillow but you can certainly find some gum under your chair.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You live in a world that’s built on promises, constructed by liars. Chew on that for a minute.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A playing field and a battle field are very much one in the same if in fact your intentions are different from someone else’s.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Today is the second day of the rest of your life this week.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Not doing too bad is not good enough, you slacker!

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Say it. Don’t spray it, pal.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You have the hand gestures of a wagon driver.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A period is the devil’s way of saying “hi.”

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Quote of the week:    “The worst part about being lied to is knowing you weren’t worth the truth.”