Hang Out MORE and Hangover LESS: Professional Drunkism

Are you some poor lush who can’t help but to get wasted every now and then, and by “every now and then” I mean all the damn time?  Do you make a complete ass out of yourself when you’ve been filled with the libation of your choice?  Do you dance on table tops, strip in front of crowds, or consistently leak fumes of alcohol through your pores?  Then your butt needs to be glued to a seat with your eyelids scotch-taped to your eyebrows so you can read the following message:

“THERE IS HOPE FOR YOUR DRUNK ASS!”

There is no denying that there’s pure greatness in losing all your inhibitions when alcohol comes into play.  Who are we kidding?  It’s the best feeling on the planet — next to sex, of course.  Think about it; not caring or worrying about anything or anyone – no reservations, hesitations or anything that ends in “ations.”  But with great joy also comes great pain.  That which we call the “hangover.”

Hangovers are the enemy.  They remind us how much of a great time we’ve had the night before – true, but they also remind us that we are not above the overwhelming headaches, stomach aches and barf bags.  So to all you alchies who can’t function without a drink in your hand as well as to the novice victims of inebriation, below are a few tips to help your joyful pathetic soul avoid the dreaded hangover, as much as possible.

Tip #1:  Though it goes without saying that dark drinks gets your goose loose in no time flat, they also bring on the worse hangovers and dries your mouth out like salt to a slug.  So pump yourself with water while you are drinking.  If you don’t want to be the only health-conscious lush at the party, try drinking a glass of water after every 3rd drink.  You want to prevent dehydration as much as possible.   And since drinking heavily causes you to pee-pee often, it only makes sense that you drink enough water to cover what you lose in urination, right?  In addition to the dehydration making you feel as if the room is spinning and you can pass out at any moment, it also makes your breath stink.  And no one wants that!

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Tip #2:   Keep some ibuprofen handy.  It’ll be your best friend when the morning after is laughing at you hysterically for A) tongue-kissing that total stranger in the middle of the dance floor or B) forgetting where the hell you left your underwear, provided your hot ass wore some to begin with.  Either way, it’s best to pop the pill just before you pass out and hit your head on the coffee table…I mean pillow.

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Tip #3:   Squirt some lemon juice on your tongue prior to drinking like a fish.  Something in the juice causes you not to get quite so sick, leaving you more precious time to practice your best interpretation of a wino!   Lemon juice also adds zest to the drink of your choice, so you’d be killing two birds with one stone.

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Tip #4:  The absorption of ethyl alcohol is dependent on the rate of gastric emptying.  For all you jocks and floozies who never paid attention in science, biology or chemistry class – don’t drink on an empty stomach.  The more slow-digesting foods you eat before drinking, the slower you will absorb alcohol.  Fatty and protein-rich foods digest slower, so they work best.  Think steak n’ cheese & burgers!  Mmmm.

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Tip #5:  Since NOT drinking isn’t an option to avoid or prevent a hangover, make sure you have nothing to do the next day and sleep like a lazy bum!   Just be aware that that’ll be the time when everyone will want to visit or call you.  After all, isn’t that life’s funny little way?  Sending people to look you in your baggy eyes when you look and feel your absolute worst?   Life can be a real bitch sometimes.   And so can the people who are busy laughing at your hungover ass.

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These tips are not all guaranteed to keep you partying all night long.  We’ll leave that to the rock stars.  But they will help you party longer with less of a throbbing afterwards.  And if even if you choose to ignore all these useful words of wisdom, there’s one thing I implore you never to forget: 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the week:   “Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.”

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