Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
A man with a habit ain’t hard to find.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You have a fat puppy’s lazy-like determination and will consistently work hard at successfully doing nothing. Your waste of space is about as important as it sounds, but vital to the universe.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
The fear you put in others comes in handy when you don’t want to give up your seat for old people on public transit. In short, you are an ass.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You have to look within yourself to escape yourself. Only then will your true self be revealed.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism, so if I tell you your HORRORscope you’d probably cuss me out (even though it’d be wise for you to do that behind my back). You need an attitude adjustment or a good ass whooping.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
For the next 7 days you will be cold and unemotional and will often times fall asleep while pleasuring yourself (which includes wolfing down cheeseburgers after midnight).
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You are the artistic type and really good with your hands. The only reason you passed math class is because you were talented enough to count on your fingers.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Your impending change of employment means your ass is about to get fired. Update your resume with a red crayon.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You cannot be trusted because of your lack of ethics. Cheating on your significant other is expected of you. Prepare to die alone.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You are the perfect son of a bitch.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You should avoid standing still for long periods of time because you may be prone to attracting pigeons.
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Quote of the week: “The afternoon knows what the morning never expected.”
