Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

A man with a habit ain’t hard to find.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You have a fat puppy’s lazy-like determination and will consistently work hard at successfully doing nothing. Your waste of space is about as important as it sounds, but vital to the universe.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The fear you put in others comes in handy when you don’t want to give up your seat for old people on public transit. In short, you are an ass.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You have to look within yourself to escape yourself. Only then will your true self be revealed.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism, so if I tell you your HORRORscope you’d probably cuss me out (even though it’d be wise for you to do that behind my back). You need an attitude adjustment or a good ass whooping.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

For the next 7 days you will be cold and unemotional and will often times fall asleep while pleasuring yourself (which includes wolfing down cheeseburgers after midnight).

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You are the artistic type and really good with your hands. The only reason you passed math class is because you were talented enough to count on your fingers.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your impending change of employment means your ass is about to get fired. Update your resume with a red crayon.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You cannot be trusted because of your lack of ethics. Cheating on your significant other is expected of you. Prepare to die alone.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You are the perfect son of a bitch.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You should avoid standing still for long periods of time because you may be prone to attracting pigeons.

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Quote of the week:    “The afternoon knows what the morning never expected.”