Find out how cracked your ball is this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Pizza will get to your house before the police will. Order doughnuts instead.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Just because you don’t care doesn’t mean you don’t understand.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Follow your heart but take your brain and a baseball bat with you.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Never laugh at your significant other’s choices. You are one of them.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
A waste of money is putting a Vietnamese hooker on a mechanical bull.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
As a Christmas gift, you will receive a self-cleaning house, the ability to sexually please yourself without using your hands, and an illegible doctor’s prescription for hallucinogens scribbled in crayon.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
The most active thing about you is the gas you pass after you’ve eaten ice cream and ginger snaps.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Remember these words: TOO SOON; BITCH BAIT; and FREE AFTER 9.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Two thing that are worse than a bad excuse is no excuse at all and wearing white underwear that have changed colors to a pale yellow.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
It’s a game changer when you break your own rules on purpose. It’s a death wish when you break the puff-puff pass cycle.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
If you can work the words “snot pocket” into 4 conversations between the 2nd and 3rd hour on the afternoon of the 5th day of this week, your groin section will turn to gold, making you irresistible to the opposite sex.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
A mop that stops is a mop that mops not
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Quote of the week: “Warning: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are dying for you to phone them at two in the morning.”
