Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 23-29, 2014

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Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You have no use for a bar that can’t get you drunk.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

What good is having a secret if u can’t tell somebody?

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A conversation of yours will go something like this:

“Are you/she pregnant?”

“You ask me that almost every day and almost every day I say yes.”

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Everybody that talks about Heaven ain’t going there.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The conflict of your division is neutralized when you realize your conditions are the same as your opponent’s.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Don’t find comfort in shallow relationships with hookers.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A booty call will steal your alarm clock.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You will be interested in someone else’s affairs until an open handed slap lands on your chubby left cheek. Learn to mind your business.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Things are likely to go your way for much of the day provided you sleep through most of the day.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you don’t tie your shoe laces, you may very well trip and fall and land on somebody’s butt. Ironically that person will be the very one who told you to kiss their ass. Karma is a motherfucker, isn’t it?

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

If you didn’t see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears, don’t invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

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Quote of the week:    “The only way you’ll get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.”

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