WELCOME TO THE LAST HORRORSCOPE OF 2014
I hope I’ve made someone feel a little less stupid over the course of the year.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
What’s the point of being a ninja if you can’t beat people up for robbing your friends?
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
When things are looking down, sit yourself down on the nearest swiveling chair and spin. If that doesn’t raise a smile, then I’m all out of ideas.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Consequence for good reason leads to consequence.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Don’t throw stones at glass houses unless your glass is bulletproof.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Don’t let those who only say “no” keep you from borrowing money you have no intention of paying back. Nobody likes a quitter. Stay strong with your broke ass.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Give yourself and those around you your best belch ever!
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Today is a bad underarm hair day.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Did you know you don’t have to know everything in order to take advantage of what you do know?
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You may have trouble dealing with those who stubbornly don’t know how right you are all the time.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Contrary to popular belief, you do have more personality than a pair of curtains. Not much, but more.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
See how well you do impressing someone by being who they think you are based on your Facebook statuses.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Many of your emotions have been plagiarized by others who have no idea how you feel.
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Quote of the week: “Going to the movies is an excellent way to spend your final hours. I mean final hours of the day. Obviously not of your life.”