Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Dec. 28, 2014-Jan. 2, 2015

Thanks

WELCOME TO THE LAST HORRORSCOPE OF 2014

I hope I’ve made someone feel a little less stupid over the course of the year.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

What’s the point of being a ninja if you can’t beat people up for robbing your friends?

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When things are looking down, sit yourself down on the nearest swiveling chair and spin. If that doesn’t raise a smile, then I’m all out of ideas.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Consequence for good reason leads to consequence.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Don’t throw stones at glass houses unless your glass is bulletproof.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Don’t let those who only say “no” keep you from borrowing money you have no intention of paying back. Nobody likes a quitter. Stay strong with your broke ass.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Give yourself and those around you your best belch ever!

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Today is a bad underarm hair day.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Did you know you don’t have to know everything in order to take advantage of what you do know?

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You may have trouble dealing with those who stubbornly don’t know how right you are all the time.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Contrary to popular belief, you do have more personality than a pair of curtains. Not much, but more.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

See how well you do impressing someone by being who they think you are based on your Facebook statuses.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Many of your emotions have been plagiarized by others who have no idea how you feel.

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Quote of the week:    “Going to the movies is an excellent way to spend your final hours. I mean final hours of the day. Obviously not of your life.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of December 14-20, 2014

Bad Idea 1

Sometimes your good luck just may be headed in the wrong direction.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Though you may be out of the frying pan and into the fire, you may want to stick around to see how things pan out. If not in your favor, that frying pan can be used as an impacting weapon.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone is going to love and cherish a gift you purchase for them forever. Just make sure it’s returnable.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Stop being who you’re supposed to be and start being who you really are – two-faced.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Everyone loves your new fragrance. It’s called YESTERDAY.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You will convince someone to do anything you want them to do by bribing them with and old tube of chap stick and all of the change in your pocket.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Soft Fudge or Rocky Road? What do you mean “or“?

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You may expose yourself to certain dangers. Be sure not to flash your private parts in front of open flames or flaming queens.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your mood swings may be more dramatic than usual; AKA, your multiple personalities are a bit out of control. Eat a Snickers. You’re not yourself when you don’t have a Snickers.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You must not allow yourself to be associated with someone who is doing things in a way that is unacceptable. Ahh, who are we kidding? You must not allow yourself to be associated with someone who is doing things in a way that you wouldn’t do them. It’s your way or the highway. This will probably explain why you’ll be dining alone all week.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You can get a great deal by mixing and mingling with those in charge – PIMPS.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The more you realize your own motives, the more you’ll understand why there is a band of midgets waiting to jump you in a parking lot.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You should be able to get yourself out of a tight spot with a little quick thinking, a pack of unsalted butter and a bus token to nowhere. Imagination, lying and bribery are your keys to a safe house.

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Quote of the week:    Each of us has lived through some devastation, some loneliness, some weather superstorm or spiritual superstorm. When we look at each other we must say, I understand. I understand how you feel because I have been there myself. We must support each other because each of us is more alike than we are unalike. ― Maya Angelou 

11 Things That May Look Good To You But Aren’t Good For You

1. Quadruple bacon cheeseburgers – Though it may taste and smell good, quadruple bacon cheeseburgers will clog your arteries and drive you one step closer to your doom. If by chance you suffer death by cheeseburger, at least you’ll die happy with crumbs around your mouth. Let’s just hope the crumbs are from the cheeseburger, otherwise there’s one more thing to add to this list of things that may look good to you but aren’t good for you. Maybe not, I can’t imagine that shit looking good either.

quadruple cheeseburger


2. Cinnamon roll flavored vodka – It may sound good. It may even smell good, but this cocktail is so sweet you can almost feel your kidneys melting from the inside out.  There’s one thing that should never be turned into an alcohol and that’s a cinnamon roll. Let’s all just die from the sugary glaze the way God and pastry chefs intended.

Cinnamon Bun Flavored

japanese-sour-face


3. Men – You never know what’s in their pants. It may be a golden rod, but the disease (s) they could be carrying will have you seeing red until you turn blue, and are tucked away in a pretty box deep in a black hole 6 feet beneath your toes.

creepy


4. Women – You never know what’s under their skirts. It may be the sweetest nectar, but the disease (s) they could be carrying will have you seeing red until you turn blue, and are tucked away in a pretty box deep in a black hole 6 feet beneath your toes. Also, depending on the time of the month, they may exude multiple personalities, all of whom are related to the Bride of Chucky. …unless you like that sort of thing. And if you do, then YOU should be added to this list of things that may look good to you but aren’t good for you.

creepy woman


5. Stripes – Stripes only look good on skinny celebrities who pay others to pick the most flattering patterns for their skinny ass bodies. Whether the world wants to believe it or not, not everyone looks like a skinny ass celebrity that can afford to pay someone to make them look good. Also, stripes are easily equated with prison inmates, which is arguably another item that can be added to this list.

Stripes


6. Any medicine with a warning label – Feel good for a minute or die the death of a million dooms?

WARNING 

  • Swelling of the tongue, which interrupts sexual activity
  • Extreme diarrhea, which interrupts sexual activity
  • Causes headaches, backaches, and stomach aches, which interrupts sexual activity
  • Makes your butt itch, which is a sexual NO NO
  • Backs up your urinal flow, which interrupts sexual activity
  • Causes you to go temporarily blind forever, which in some cases after an extreme amount of alcohol can increase your sexual activity. This warning may actually work in your favor, although you should be mindful of numbers 3 and 4.

Warning


7. Church members – the devil knows how to play dress up in big hats and expensive neckties. Keep messing with the devil and he will certainly make you cuss someone the hell out!

Church Members


8. Apartment complex leasing offices – Wherever you decide to move, the leasing office will almost always be the most well-kept building in the complex. Every other apartment unit might as well be located in the alley next door to a Chinese carryout in the hood.  Also, the nice, friendly voices on the phone when you call the leasing office usually never matches the ugly attitudes you encounter when physically visiting the office. #InvasionOfTheBodySnatchers

Leasing Office

run down apartment

 


9. Kids – Kids are great as long as you can give them back to their parents. They pee in the bed, lie, steal, beat up other kids, beat up other adults, set cats on fire, learn to speak and think for themselves, which is a scary thought all by itself, and cost more money than an average person makes in a lifetime, unless of course you’re Beyonce or Oprah.  But they’re still cute. Most of them anyway.

bad kids


10. Low pay for just causes – No one is typically warned that the average working class citizen sees about $5 of recreational money out of every paycheck. Between bills, taxes, kids, spouses, jump offs, and quadruple cheeseburgers, a person needs to save $5 per paycheck to eventually afford a nice coffin, burial plot, and people to bribe to come to their funeral.

low-pay


11. Cursing – Curse words are typically used by people too ignorant or lazy to come up with better words of expression or explanation. Personally I must be lazy as shit. Oh wait. See what I mean?

Profanity


Quote of the Week:  “Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Nov. 30-Dec. 6, 2014

 Uh Oh

All will be told when the scroll unfolds.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

One day you’ll look back and realize the dumbest decision you think you made was the smartest for the time.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Just when everyone thinks you can’t get any more pathetic, you go and top yourself.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The emotional imbalance in your personal relationships may be unsettling now, prompting you to take direct action on your love life. Fuq anything and everything walking. Love no one. Die alone. Good luck.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Keep your friends close and the enemy of your friend as close as the friend of your enemy; only closer.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You’re number one! Your name will show up first on an uninvited guest list.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

There’s no substitute for hard work except high bribery, a two-for-one pack of gum and a bold faced lie.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Perhaps you recently experienced an unusual situation involving others who were not playing according to your rules. Punch them without regret. Problem(s) solved.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Everything seems to be moving slowly today; including your bowels.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If u can’t help someone, at least don’t hurt ’em. SIKE!

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Stress is the confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole that desperately deserves it.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow; provided the world doesn’t end today.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If you regret anything you’ve done over the weekend, you had a good weekend!

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Quote of the week:   “Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.”