All will be told when the scroll unfolds.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
One day you’ll look back and realize the dumbest decision you think you made was the smartest for the time.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Just when everyone thinks you can’t get any more pathetic, you go and top yourself.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
The emotional imbalance in your personal relationships may be unsettling now, prompting you to take direct action on your love life. Fuq anything and everything walking. Love no one. Die alone. Good luck.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Keep your friends close and the enemy of your friend as close as the friend of your enemy; only closer.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You’re number one! Your name will show up first on an uninvited guest list.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
There’s no substitute for hard work except high bribery, a two-for-one pack of gum and a bold faced lie.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Perhaps you recently experienced an unusual situation involving others who were not playing according to your rules. Punch them without regret. Problem(s) solved.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Everything seems to be moving slowly today; including your bowels.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If u can’t help someone, at least don’t hurt ’em. SIKE!
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Stress is the confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole that desperately deserves it.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow; provided the world doesn’t end today.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
If you regret anything you’ve done over the weekend, you had a good weekend!
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Quote of the week: “Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.”