All will be told when the scroll unfolds.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

One day you’ll look back and realize the dumbest decision you think you made was the smartest for the time.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Just when everyone thinks you can’t get any more pathetic, you go and top yourself.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The emotional imbalance in your personal relationships may be unsettling now, prompting you to take direct action on your love life. Fuq anything and everything walking. Love no one. Die alone. Good luck.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Keep your friends close and the enemy of your friend as close as the friend of your enemy; only closer.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You’re number one! Your name will show up first on an uninvited guest list.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

There’s no substitute for hard work except high bribery, a two-for-one pack of gum and a bold faced lie.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Perhaps you recently experienced an unusual situation involving others who were not playing according to your rules. Punch them without regret. Problem(s) solved.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Everything seems to be moving slowly today; including your bowels.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If u can’t help someone, at least don’t hurt ’em. SIKE!

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Stress is the confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole that desperately deserves it.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow; provided the world doesn’t end today.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If you regret anything you’ve done over the weekend, you had a good weekend!

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Quote of the week:   “Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.”