1. Quadruple bacon cheeseburgers – Though it may taste and smell good, quadruple bacon cheeseburgers will clog your arteries and drive you one step closer to your doom. If by chance you suffer death by cheeseburger, at least you’ll die happy with crumbs around your mouth. Let’s just hope the crumbs are from the cheeseburger, otherwise there’s one more thing to add to this list of things that may look good to you but aren’t good for you. Maybe not, I can’t imagine that shit looking good either.
2. Cinnamon roll flavored vodka – It may sound good. It may even smell good, but this cocktail is so sweet you can almost feel your kidneys melting from the inside out. There’s one thing that should never be turned into an alcohol and that’s a cinnamon roll. Let’s all just die from the sugary glaze the way God and pastry chefs intended.
3. Men – You never know what’s in their pants. It may be a golden rod, but the disease (s) they could be carrying will have you seeing red until you turn blue, and are tucked away in a pretty box deep in a black hole 6 feet beneath your toes.
4. Women – You never know what’s under their skirts. It may be the sweetest nectar, but the disease (s) they could be carrying will have you seeing red until you turn blue, and are tucked away in a pretty box deep in a black hole 6 feet beneath your toes. Also, depending on the time of the month, they may exude multiple personalities, all of whom are related to the Bride of Chucky. …unless you like that sort of thing. And if you do, then YOU should be added to this list of things that may look good to you but aren’t good for you.
5. Stripes – Stripes only look good on skinny celebrities who pay others to pick the most flattering patterns for their skinny ass bodies. Whether the world wants to believe it or not, not everyone looks like a skinny ass celebrity that can afford to pay someone to make them look good. Also, stripes are easily equated with prison inmates, which is arguably another item that can be added to this list.
6. Any medicine with a warning label – Feel good for a minute or die the death of a million dooms?
- Swelling of the tongue, which interrupts sexual activity
- Extreme diarrhea, which interrupts sexual activity
- Causes headaches, backaches, and stomach aches, which interrupts sexual activity
- Makes your butt itch, which is a sexual NO NO
- Backs up your urinal flow, which interrupts sexual activity
- Causes you to go temporarily blind forever, which in some cases after an extreme amount of alcohol can increase your sexual activity. This warning may actually work in your favor, although you should be mindful of numbers 3 and 4.
7. Church members – the devil knows how to play dress up in big hats and expensive neckties. Keep messing with the devil and he will certainly make you cuss someone the hell out!
8. Apartment complex leasing offices – Wherever you decide to move, the leasing office will almost always be the most well-kept building in the complex. Every other apartment unit might as well be located in the alley next door to a Chinese carryout in the hood. Also, the nice, friendly voices on the phone when you call the leasing office usually never matches the ugly attitudes you encounter when physically visiting the office. #InvasionOfTheBodySnatchers
9. Kids – Kids are great as long as you can give them back to their parents. They pee in the bed, lie, steal, beat up other kids, beat up other adults, set cats on fire, learn to speak and think for themselves, which is a scary thought all by itself, and cost more money than an average person makes in a lifetime, unless of course you’re Beyonce or Oprah. But they’re still cute. Most of them anyway.
10. Low pay for just causes – No one is typically warned that the average working class citizen sees about $5 of recreational money out of every paycheck. Between bills, taxes, kids, spouses, jump offs, and quadruple cheeseburgers, a person needs to save $5 per paycheck to eventually afford a nice coffin, burial plot, and people to bribe to come to their funeral.
11. Cursing – Curse words are typically used by people too ignorant or lazy to come up with better words of expression or explanation. Personally I must be lazy as shit. Oh wait. See what I mean?
Quote of the Week: “Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.”