This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

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Dear Hottywood,

I took a field trip to the bathroom down the hall from my office only to be disappointed by the fact that the same fat, foul smelling guy has been in there for 40 minutes stinking up the place. A few of my mustache hairs fell out when I opened the door. Is there an appropriate way to ask for a time limitation on the use of the company bathroom?

Up to Here with That

Dear Up to Here with That,

HULK BathroomC’mon man, be reasonable. If you were full of shit, would you want someone to limit the amount of time it takes for you get your pipes clean? I think the rational answer to this question is NO.  Also, NO there is no appropriate way to ask for a time limitation on the use of the company bathroom. What are you, 6 years old?

When you were in grade school, didn’t your teacher give you a preposterous 3 minutes to use the john, assuming you didn’t have to drop a bomb in the commode? And when that teacher gave you those laughable 3 minutes, were you in control of time or did your shit have a mind of its own?

Asking someone to limit the time use of the company bathroom will come back to bite you in the ass (no pun intended) FLUSHthe next time you overload on Taco Bell, Chipotle or McDonald’s. How would you feel if you had a guard standing outside of your bathroom stall with a stop watch? I’m pretty sure you’d feel embarrassed and ready to fight. You’d also feel like you need to look for a new job after having even considered that someone (meaning your stall guard) would joke with his friends over lunch or during an inappropriate email exchange about whatever it was that crawled inside your stomach and died.

If you can’t wait for the bathroom to be free and clear of all bodies except your own so that you can pee or shit in peace and private, then you need to hold your mess and hope your intestines don’t explode or carry an adult diaper, a can of extra strength air spray, a large smell-proof bucket, a change of clothes, and a box of consideration.

Quote of the Week:  “Here I sit broken-hearted; Paid a dime but only farted. Next time I will take my chance; Save a dime and crap my pants!

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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Dear Hottywood,

I’ve been seeing this guy for about 5 months or so and as clear as the day is 24 hours, we are not on the same page in terms of what a relationship is and isn’t. We don’t see eye to eye on ANYTHING except sex. When I mention anything about our differences I’m labeled as being “extra” (you know, someone that does too much). Even in private we don’t start off on the same page. I adapted to our communication imbalance, but I think I deserve more. And even though our sex amazing, he’s always the first one “satisfied.” I’ve brought this up numerous times only to receive the following response each time: “It’s all about you, isn’t it? I mean, didn’t you c*m? What’s the problem?”

I keep telling myself – and I keep being told by others – that I need to beat my feet and stop beating this dead horse, but I think there is potential for this relationship…maybe. What do you think?

Selfish in the City

Dear Selfish in the City,

IT IS TIMEBe careful not to settle for the wrong reason(s). If you are only happy or satisfied sexually, then it sounds to me that your relationship is or should be labeled as “bump buddies” or “friends with benefits” or some sort of business arrangement that involves free ass and no money exchange. Personally if you ask me, any hooker on the street would slap your forehead for willingly and continuously being screwed without an emotional connection or money exchange. I’m just saying.

You’re not going to settle comfortably with anyone unless you see eye to eye on [most] things outside of the bedroom, back seat of a car, public bathroom…whatever. Do you want to settle with someone who isn’t meeting your needs or entertaining your non-sexual desires? Or someone who always nuts before you? Really? That’s how you want to spend the rest of your life? Do you want a Mr. Right or are you okay with a Mr. Right Now(?), because the picture you’re painting is a portrait of Mr. Right Now.

Ask yourself:

  1. Is he the only fish in the sea?
  2. Is the sex that good? Damn!
  3. Is he the best you can do?
  4. Do you think you have no more to offer than good booty?

The longer you sell yourself short, the more complacent you’ll continue to be in this half-assed relationship or whatever you want to call it.

You have a choice: (1) Either you get off your bump and find someone that can meet your expectations of the heart and mind or (2) continue to be screwed by dudes that’s only interested in f*cking.

If you look at it from that perspective you don’t need my opinion or anyone else’s for that matter. You know what you need to do. If old boy is being this difficult, Sweetheart, he’s not emotionally invested.

It’s time for you to be selfish about what you need rather than letting someone else be selfish about what they want from you. If it’s the sex that’s keeping you around, that’s an easy problem to fix just by visiting your local Pleasure Palace and picking up a couple of adult toys. It may not be as satisfying as the real thing but it’ll get the job done while you search for what you’re looking for.

“The moment that you start to wonder if you deserve better, you do.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 11-17, 2015

Who Knows

You can measure you luck by the length of your shoe laces.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You are the smartest person in burger world.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Nobody kicked you in the balls. That’s your regular voice. I know. Sad, right?

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You don’t look a day over 21…hundred. Twenty-one hundred.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The only way you’ll get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Everyone hides a part of themselves either from the ones they love or the ones they work with.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Ironically, Mars bars are made right here on Earth.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You owe someone a good tongue lashing, but you’re going to pay them in tears.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Despite what that lady said, your birthday certificate is not an apology letter from the condom factory.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Someone could agree with you, but then you’d both be wrong.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Forget getting right with your friend. You need to get right with Jesus and your weed dealer.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Cash creates corruption.

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Quote of the week:    “The measure of your maturity is how spiritual you become during the midst of your frustrations.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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Dear Hottywood,

I was hooking up regularly with a lady friend of mine. In order to make our meetings more convenient, I never bothered to get my parking pass back from her (residents and guests must have a parking pass to park on the premises of my complex. Unfortunately the leasing office does not distribute guest parking passes anymore). She hasn’t been quite forthright in returning the pass, and has since made quite a few unannounced visits to my house. Even though I’ve expressed to her that I’m not interested in anything more than a casual hookup, she is rather insistent that we are a couple and that 2015 will be our year to make the magic happen between us. I want to keep f!@%ing her, but I don’t want the commitment and responsibility of being in a relationship. I also want my parking pass back. Please help.

Thank you,

Restricted

Dear Restricted,

Go AwayThis is one fine pickle you’ve gotten yourself into. Don’t you know that giving someone your residential parking pass is equivalent to giving them a set of keys to your house? You put yourself in a commitment when you gave her free access to your place, coupled with the regular hookups.

In this lady’s mind, you told her that she’s the only one you’re banging and that she can come over any time she wants because she now has unrestricted access to your community. Certainly (again, in her mind) she’s the only person you’re f!@%ing because no man would be stupid enough to give out his keys parking pass to more than one female at a time if he didn’t think things were serious. When you gave her the pass, she no doubt called all her friends and family and told them to expect wedding bells soon. I can almost bet you $1.00 that you let her keep the pass because you didn’t feel like walking out to her car in the cold to get it back after y’all banged late one night. I could be wrong, but every man has done this dumb shit at least once in his life. I’ve done it three times, personally. This valuable lesson that I wasn’t smart enough to learn the first time cost me $75.00 x 3.

It doesn’t matter that you’ve told her you’re not interested in anything more than a casual f@!k-fest. Your words are irrelevant now. All that matters is that you gave her a parking pass of her very own and pretty much permanently invited her into your personal space, which clearly means the opposite of what you said. Also, it’s not uncommon for a woman to equate sex with love. And if you’re sexing her regularly, you must love her a lot according to the natural order of a woman’s thinking who’s been single for far too long.

If you tried to explain to her your disinterest in a monogamous relationship and she’s ignored your plea, the only things left for you to do is to be mean and snatch the pass out of her car while she’s watching or be slick and do it behind her back. Your final option after retrieving your shit is to bone her one last time, ensuring that she stays over long after the gates have locked and the tow trucks have made their rounds. When she finally leaves your place only to discover that her car has been towed, she’ll be pissed enough never to risk coming back to your house with no parking pass to protect her vehicle, especially if you’ve locked the door after she’s left and immediately sent all her calls to voicemail. It’s a low-blow option with no morals or consideration, but at this point it seems that lack of morals and consideration are the only things that will get through to her since honesty isn’t working.

Just to be sure you got your message across, after you’ve gotten your pass back, banged one last time real good, put her out and became profusely unavailable after her car’s been towed, immediately post a sign on your door that reads something like (and just to be clear, one sign never works. If I were you I’d post a bunch of signs all at once):

BEWARE OF DOG (This is especially effective if you have no dog)

JUST MOVED

JUST DIED

DO NOT DISTURB. THIS MEANS YOU!!! YEAH, YOU!

DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT KNOCKING

PLEASE GO AWAY. I DON’T CARE

TRY NEXT DOOR. I’M BUSY

BUILDING AWESOME PILLOW FORTS. DO NOT DISTURB

FILMING PORN. QUIET ON SET

NOT NOW. MY EGO NEEDS A REST

Good luck, my friend. I and every man on the planet who has ever gone through this ordeal is pulling for ya. And I’m praying that this chick isn’t a psycho stalker who is now planning your quick and silent demise. If I never hear from you again, I’ll know why.

~Hottywood

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 4-10, 2015

guide_unlucky

Welcome to the first edition of Hottywood’s HORRORscopes of 2015!

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

It is always your endeavor to be perfect and socially correct in your behavior and attitude, however this week you will fail at this miserably because of your sloppy alcoholic tendencies.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your life would be so much better if you worked at any doughnut shop six blocks closer to the bus stop.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Two things you can’t lose: 1) a rent controlled apartment, and 2) bladder control.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Ostrich feathers are politically correct after dark.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Twenty years from now you’re going to be saying “Merry Christmas” to your friends in rehab and wondering what could have been.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Relax. The sweater you’re wearing looks good; even though everyone thinks it would look better on someone else.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You shouldn’t host a party at your house. You should be more embarrassed to open the door for the UPS guy.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

“Can I ask you a favor?”
“Sure.”
“Can you…?”
“No.”

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It’s very rare for you to get angry, except on any day that ends in the letters “day.”

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Only a hippie from a past life would think about combining ice cream and candy bars. Hippies are so in this season.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

All you need is a hallucinogenic and some alone time.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Call in sick to a job you don’t even work at.

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Quote of the week:    “A diplomat is one who can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.”