Welcome to the first edition of Hottywood’s HORRORscopes of 2015!
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
It is always your endeavor to be perfect and socially correct in your behavior and attitude, however this week you will fail at this miserably because of your sloppy alcoholic tendencies.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Your life would be so much better if you worked at any doughnut shop six blocks closer to the bus stop.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Two things you can’t lose: 1) a rent controlled apartment, and 2) bladder control.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Ostrich feathers are politically correct after dark.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Twenty years from now you’re going to be saying “Merry Christmas” to your friends in rehab and wondering what could have been.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Relax. The sweater you’re wearing looks good; even though everyone thinks it would look better on someone else.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You shouldn’t host a party at your house. You should be more embarrassed to open the door for the UPS guy.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
“Can I ask you a favor?”
“Sure.”
“Can you…?”
“No.”
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
It’s very rare for you to get angry, except on any day that ends in the letters “day.”
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Only a hippie from a past life would think about combining ice cream and candy bars. Hippies are so in this season.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
All you need is a hallucinogenic and some alone time.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Call in sick to a job you don’t even work at.
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Quote of the week: “A diplomat is one who can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.”
