Welcome to the first edition of Hottywood’s HORRORscopes of 2015!

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

It is always your endeavor to be perfect and socially correct in your behavior and attitude, however this week you will fail at this miserably because of your sloppy alcoholic tendencies.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your life would be so much better if you worked at any doughnut shop six blocks closer to the bus stop.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Two things you can’t lose: 1) a rent controlled apartment, and 2) bladder control.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Ostrich feathers are politically correct after dark.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Twenty years from now you’re going to be saying “Merry Christmas” to your friends in rehab and wondering what could have been.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Relax. The sweater you’re wearing looks good; even though everyone thinks it would look better on someone else.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You shouldn’t host a party at your house. You should be more embarrassed to open the door for the UPS guy.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

“Can I ask you a favor?”
“Sure.”
“Can you…?”
“No.”

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It’s very rare for you to get angry, except on any day that ends in the letters “day.”

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Only a hippie from a past life would think about combining ice cream and candy bars. Hippies are so in this season.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

All you need is a hallucinogenic and some alone time.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Call in sick to a job you don’t even work at.

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Quote of the week:    “A diplomat is one who can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.”