You can measure you luck by the length of your shoe laces.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You are the smartest person in burger world.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Nobody kicked you in the balls. That’s your regular voice. I know. Sad, right?
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You don’t look a day over 21…hundred. Twenty-one hundred.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
The only way you’ll get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Everyone hides a part of themselves either from the ones they love or the ones they work with.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Ironically, Mars bars are made right here on Earth.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You owe someone a good tongue lashing, but you’re going to pay them in tears.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Despite what that lady said, your birthday certificate is not an apology letter from the condom factory.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Someone could agree with you, but then you’d both be wrong.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Forget getting right with your friend. You need to get right with Jesus and your weed dealer.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Cash creates corruption.
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Quote of the week: “The measure of your maturity is how spiritual you become during the midst of your frustrations.”