You can measure you luck by the length of your shoe laces.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You are the smartest person in burger world.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Nobody kicked you in the balls. That’s your regular voice. I know. Sad, right?

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You don’t look a day over 21…hundred. Twenty-one hundred.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The only way you’ll get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Everyone hides a part of themselves either from the ones they love or the ones they work with.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Ironically, Mars bars are made right here on Earth.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You owe someone a good tongue lashing, but you’re going to pay them in tears.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Despite what that lady said, your birthday certificate is not an apology letter from the condom factory.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Someone could agree with you, but then you’d both be wrong.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Forget getting right with your friend. You need to get right with Jesus and your weed dealer.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Cash creates corruption.

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Quote of the week:    “The measure of your maturity is how spiritual you become during the midst of your frustrations.”