Two Arrested After Jousting Match with Frozen Cigarette Smoke

Posted: Feb 20, 2015 11:39 AM EST
arrested handcuffs

SUITLAND, Md. – Two people are facing charges following a fight that broke out Thursday evening at a Maryland metro station bus stop.

Maryland State Police said the fight started around 5:15 p.m. between the Suitland metro station and the Come & Get It Liquor House on Silver Hill Road.

Police were called to the scene when two men, Sanchez Donino Marlo Estifan Elsavador Mario Plazza, Jr. and Billy Bob Norris, got into a physical scuffle, or sword fight as some witnesses described the altercation, when the smoke from their cigarettes had frozen due to the evening’s bitter cold temperatures and collided when a strong gust of wind knocked one man off his balance, lunging him into the other. Once the two men bumped, their ice-covered cigarette smoke shattered, much like jousting horseman wielding superhuman yet non indestructible glass lances, chipping the cigarettes and the fingers of each man holding them. That, sources say, is when all hell broke loose.

Maryland police sent out a smoke signal shortly after they were called, advising all passersby to stop at the nearby Liquor House to get a bag of popcorn so they can witness the battle until the first available officer nearest the commotion finished wolfing down his donut before pressing his way to the unruly scene. Unfortunately the smoke signal froze upon first contact of the open air and came crashing down from the sky until it hit the brawlers and spectators on the head, knocking almost everyone in the vicinity unconscious, as well as the cops and criminals perusing the exterior of the police station after the signal was sent.

Southern Maryland Hospital is now full of concussion patients who are all being treated for minor injuries, except for Plazza and Norris who are both getting wooden forefinger replacements to substitute the fingers they broke during their fight.

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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Dear Hottywood,

I have been stuck in a dead end job for about 10 years. I make just enough money to pay my bills each month, but that’s about it. Every now and then I moonlight as a personal assistant to a few indie artists, but I am scared to venture out and do it full time. Lately I have been feeling like I am caught between a dream and a job. Any advice for me?

Caught Up,

Dear Caught Up,

dead-end-jobAs a graduate of a school for the arts, I am compelled to tell you to follow your dreams. If you feel as if you have what it takes to do you your own thing or change career paths, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t. Your current job is what pays the bills. But are you really content living from paycheck to paycheck just to make ends meet at or for a job that’s going nowhere? That’s both boring and exhausting. Why not go into business for yourself as a personal assistant to the stars so you can pay yourself to be your own bitch for hire, and eventually hire other bitches to work for you? Going into business for yourself translates into doing something that you love – by choice – not because some old man in a wrinkled suit and ugly Christmas necktie (who incidentally gets paid three times more than you) told you to. Fuq him and do you! With a little effort, sweat, blood and tears (a small price to pay), you can be that old man in a wrinkled suit and ugly Christmas necktie that makes life difficult for those employees who are too scared to take a chance on themselves. If I’m speaking harshly, it’s only because I want you to be mad enough to go out and make a change for the better. Just don’t come to my doorstep trying to whoop my ass for telling you some real, true shyt!

An important perk of going into business for yourself as a personal assistant to the stars, or whatever else you may choose to do, is you can be late as often as you like because you are sleeping with the boss. Hell. That should be all the reason you need! Shoot. With that said I just may get up and quit my job right now! Of course I’m not saying this out loud. I’m crazy, not stupid. You should also consider the perks of working for indie artists. I have three words for you: FREE CONCERT TICKETS!

On another note, what are you doing in your spare time? Day-dreaming about following your dreams? Be honest. Doesn’t that sound like a waste of time?

If there’s anything you want to do, even if it’s fart in public without worry, make it happen! You’re worth it. Right? …don’t take that farting thing too seriously – I’m just saying.

Don’t continue letting the fate of your future rest in the hands of someone else. Don’t be scared to fall or fail. Not only does falling and failing build character, it teaches you how to be strong and push yourself. It also gives you the strength to punch anyone that gets in your way. And finally, don’t be lazy. Get off your ass and be like Nike – “Just do it.” Complacency is a trap! And you don’t want to be trapped in a position that’s going nowhere.

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 8-14, 2015

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Karma’s middle name is Wench.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If your girlfriend seems to be less attentive to your needs lately, you probably need to deflate her and blow her up again later.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Never loan any money you can’t afford to give away to someone you can’t beat up.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

What were you thinking? You know what? You weren’t thinking because if you were thinking you never would have thought of this.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Always remember to be professional when your shirt is off.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Never throw out the bath water because five people used it. Back in the day that was called a Jacuzzi.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

U would have done just as well if you’d have gone to locksmith college.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Wearing navy blue and black at the same time is bad luck.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Don’t eat stuffed cabbage too close to an oven’s pilot light.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If breakfast was a holiday, bacon would be the turkey.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You are two biscuits away from looking like you’ve had injections in your cheeks.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A mummy is just some old Egyptian guy dressed in an economy sized roll of Charmin toilet paper.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You know it’s good advice when you’re still confused afterwards.

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Quote of the week:    “You are not required to set yourself on fire just to warm someone else up.”