Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 8-14, 2015

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Karma’s middle name is Wench.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If your girlfriend seems to be less attentive to your needs lately, you probably need to deflate her and blow her up again later.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Never loan any money you can’t afford to give away to someone you can’t beat up.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

What were you thinking? You know what? You weren’t thinking because if you were thinking you never would have thought of this.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Always remember to be professional when your shirt is off.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Never throw out the bath water because five people used it. Back in the day that was called a Jacuzzi.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

U would have done just as well if you’d have gone to locksmith college.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Wearing navy blue and black at the same time is bad luck.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Don’t eat stuffed cabbage too close to an oven’s pilot light.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If breakfast was a holiday, bacon would be the turkey.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You are two biscuits away from looking like you’ve had injections in your cheeks.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A mummy is just some old Egyptian guy dressed in an economy sized roll of Charmin toilet paper.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You know it’s good advice when you’re still confused afterwards.

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Quote of the week:    “You are not required to set yourself on fire just to warm someone else up.”

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