Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: March 29-April 4, 2015

Tarot Reader

Find out what your luck has in store for you today.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Someone else’s opinion about you may affect the way you pee standing up.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may suspect the person you’re talking to is not telling the whole truth. Walk away from the mirror.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You want to be more influential than you have been in the past however when cabbages grow from the east, chickens and rabbits tend not to play well together. PS, nothing will make sense today beginning with this HORRORscope.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Every day is Halloween for someone who admires you secretly from afar. If you are lucky they will remain hidden. If they reveal their self to you, you may question your own beauty and those that you tend to attract.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

This HORRORscope is strictly for guys and lesbians. If you are a female, play gay for the time you read this:  Your girlfriend may ask you, “Does this make me look fat?” Think twice before answering. If you lie and say no, when you go out you’ll think everyone is looking at how fat she is. If you tell the truth she may never speak to you again.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

If you ask the wrong dude in the wrong neighborhood on the right day, he’ll tell you trinkets are a small price to pay for ass.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Being stood up by someone you like is bad. Being stood up by someone you don’t like reduces your popularity social status by at least 47%.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A bad tattoo is like having a bad haircut all the time.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If beauty were measured in trash you’d be a landfill.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

A mother can not put a Sicilian curse on her daughter if she marries a man under 5’7″.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You will waste an hour telling someone you’ll be ready in a minute.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A wise prostitute once said “Less is more.”

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Quote of the week:    “The believer is happy. The doubter is wise.”

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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Dear Hottywood,

Since a leopard can’t change its spots, can I draw some new ones on it?

Ray

Dear Ray,

leopardSince you haven’t given me much to go on here, the answer to this question is simple. If you want to get mauled by a leopard, you can draw spots on it. The adventure wouldn’t be actually drawing the spots or seeing how the leopard will look with new spots, but rather [the adventure would be] staying alive, because there’s no doubt that mofo will rip you to shreds!

I don’t know too many leopards that would let you get that close. Well, let me be honest. And you might find this hard to believe. I don’t know any leopards.  However if I were to die from an attempt to draw on a wild animal – in this case, a leopard – you’d be the first to know, only I wouldn’t be the one to tell you because my ass would be dead somewhere with my remains being picked over by a rogue gang of hungry buzzards.  HA!

If by chance you are referring to an actual person and are using this “leopard” as a metaphor, then the answer to this question is a little different – kind of and kind of not.  If this leopard person has been living with the same spots for all its his/her days, a little ink isn’t going to change anything but the outward appearance. The appearance will remain the same provided the leopard doesn’t get wet. If it does, then those spots will be washed away, leaving you with what you started with.

Make peace with that leopard. Pet it often but be careful. A wild animal will eventually attack you because that’s the environment in which it was raised. Survival of the fittest is all it knows. Sadly, the same can be said about people. Think about it:  Some women call all men dogs and some men call all women bitches. DOGS + BITCHES = WILD ANIMALS.

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CLICK HERE to see what other people are asking or visit

http://HottywoodHelps.com/Ask-Hottywood

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 22-28, 2015

bad fortune

You may die a horrible death or win a free cabbage.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You are likely to have a choice to make before a very important moment that will take place tomorrow morning at or before 10am: “Do I pee standing up or sitting down?” This question will be especially difficult if you are a woman or a drag queen.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your thoughts will turn into financial hardships much sooner than you think if you don’t leave them hookers alone.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You will be reunited with an old frienemy whose armpits are hairier than the hair on their head.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your answer to any question today can be found at the bottom of a double D cup bra. Someone will either thank you or punch you.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A good judge of character is one who knows he’s just as full of shit as the person he’s judging.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You may have to change your plans when you find out your adult Depends aren’t as dependable as advertised.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your message is one that many will find useless and uninspired. In a nutshell, nothing about today will be any different than yesterday. Tomorrow isn’t looking so good either.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You must take time to assess not only your own needs, but also the needs of your neighbor’s uncle’s, cousin’s, pen pal’s pet gerbil.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A wise deaf man once said, “Actions speak louder than words.”

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

A study of past mistakes proves just how irresponsible you are.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Not everyone’s heart is made of the same stone as yours.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You can put in a good word for someone you know. The trouble is your word doesn’t mean shit, so you’d probably be hurting that someone more than helping them. Expect to lose as many friends as you have credibility.

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Quote of the week:    “Sometimes the best prediction of human behavior is the past.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 8-14, 2015

FotoFlexer_Photo

Find out what luck has up its sleeve today.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You may not know what will happen tomorrow, but you’ll know what not to do tomorrow based on what didn’t work out so well yesterday.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Avoid anyone with hairy earlobes for approximately 113 hours and .08 seconds.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

White socks and black [dress] shoes are the devil.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You are likely to play a central role in an all midget drag queen midnight stage play.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your affairs connect you to another. If you think this has sexual connotation, it does.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Not everyone is able to sit down to break bread with you. Have you heard yourself chew?!

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You’ll have a chance to follow someone down an alley path that can lead to a great deal of adventure…or jail.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

If you want to beat the house, first you must beat the odds…with a baseball bat and a pack of Gummi Bears.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Sometimes a hero is just the guy that serves the drinks.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

The sooner you tend to an unusual issue at work, the sooner you can go pee.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You may not understand all that goes on around you… That’s it.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You don’t want to bore yourself however you are just that boring.

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Quote of the week:    “You can resist anything except temptation.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 1-7, 2015

funny-quote-luck-life

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week…

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Never eat a tuna fish sandwich you find abandoned on a bus.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A compulsive liar will tell you that you are the most beautiful creature they’ve ever seen.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Casting a vote on American Idol doesn’t exactly make you political.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Don’t play chicken with a turkey.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Why don’t you put your running shoes on and get to the point.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You can spit, and swear, and even use the Lord’s name in vain; but you can never walk into anyone’s house and call their Oreo cookies junk food.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You want to borrow some money but none of your friends can afford to loan you any money they don’t spend on lottery tickets.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

In today’s society, big nipples mean power and respect.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It’s never as cold as you think when you can just pee a little to keep warm.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Don’t bother to change. Someone is willing to forget you just the way you are.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You haven’t lived until you’ve tasted a lobster with two tails and eyebrows.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

When you want to fly with eagles, don’t dress like a turtle.

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Quote of the week:    “Why fatten the frog for the snake?”