Find out what your luck has in store for you this week…
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Never eat a tuna fish sandwich you find abandoned on a bus.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
A compulsive liar will tell you that you are the most beautiful creature they’ve ever seen.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Casting a vote on American Idol doesn’t exactly make you political.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Don’t play chicken with a turkey.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Why don’t you put your running shoes on and get to the point.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You can spit, and swear, and even use the Lord’s name in vain; but you can never walk into anyone’s house and call their Oreo cookies junk food.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You want to borrow some money but none of your friends can afford to loan you any money they don’t spend on lottery tickets.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
In today’s society, big nipples mean power and respect.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
It’s never as cold as you think when you can just pee a little to keep warm.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Don’t bother to change. Someone is willing to forget you just the way you are.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You haven’t lived until you’ve tasted a lobster with two tails and eyebrows.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
When you want to fly with eagles, don’t dress like a turtle.
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Quote of the week: “Why fatten the frog for the snake?”
