Find out what luck has up its sleeve today.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You may not know what will happen tomorrow, but you’ll know what not to do tomorrow based on what didn’t work out so well yesterday.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Avoid anyone with hairy earlobes for approximately 113 hours and .08 seconds.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

White socks and black [dress] shoes are the devil.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You are likely to play a central role in an all midget drag queen midnight stage play.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your affairs connect you to another. If you think this has sexual connotation, it does.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Not everyone is able to sit down to break bread with you. Have you heard yourself chew?!

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You’ll have a chance to follow someone down an alley path that can lead to a great deal of adventure…or jail.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

If you want to beat the house, first you must beat the odds…with a baseball bat and a pack of Gummi Bears.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Sometimes a hero is just the guy that serves the drinks.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

The sooner you tend to an unusual issue at work, the sooner you can go pee.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You may not understand all that goes on around you… That’s it.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You don’t want to bore yourself however you are just that boring.

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Quote of the week:    “You can resist anything except temptation.”