Find out what luck has up its sleeve today.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You may not know what will happen tomorrow, but you’ll know what not to do tomorrow based on what didn’t work out so well yesterday.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Avoid anyone with hairy earlobes for approximately 113 hours and .08 seconds.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
White socks and black [dress] shoes are the devil.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You are likely to play a central role in an all midget drag queen midnight stage play.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your affairs connect you to another. If you think this has sexual connotation, it does.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Not everyone is able to sit down to break bread with you. Have you heard yourself chew?!
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You’ll have a chance to follow someone down an alley path that can lead to a great deal of adventure…or jail.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
If you want to beat the house, first you must beat the odds…with a baseball bat and a pack of Gummi Bears.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Sometimes a hero is just the guy that serves the drinks.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
The sooner you tend to an unusual issue at work, the sooner you can go pee.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You may not understand all that goes on around you… That’s it.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You don’t want to bore yourself however you are just that boring.
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Quote of the week: “You can resist anything except temptation.”
