You may die a horrible death or win a free cabbage.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You are likely to have a choice to make before a very important moment that will take place tomorrow morning at or before 10am: “Do I pee standing up or sitting down?” This question will be especially difficult if you are a woman or a drag queen.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your thoughts will turn into financial hardships much sooner than you think if you don’t leave them hookers alone.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You will be reunited with an old frienemy whose armpits are hairier than the hair on their head.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your answer to any question today can be found at the bottom of a double D cup bra. Someone will either thank you or punch you.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A good judge of character is one who knows he’s just as full of shit as the person he’s judging.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You may have to change your plans when you find out your adult Depends aren’t as dependable as advertised.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your message is one that many will find useless and uninspired. In a nutshell, nothing about today will be any different than yesterday. Tomorrow isn’t looking so good either.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You must take time to assess not only your own needs, but also the needs of your neighbor’s uncle’s, cousin’s, pen pal’s pet gerbil.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A wise deaf man once said, “Actions speak louder than words.”

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

A study of past mistakes proves just how irresponsible you are.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Not everyone’s heart is made of the same stone as yours.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You can put in a good word for someone you know. The trouble is your word doesn’t mean shit, so you’d probably be hurting that someone more than helping them. Expect to lose as many friends as you have credibility.

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Quote of the week:    “Sometimes the best prediction of human behavior is the past.”