Find out what your luck has in store for you today.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Someone else’s opinion about you may affect the way you pee standing up.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You may suspect the person you’re talking to is not telling the whole truth. Walk away from the mirror.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You want to be more influential than you have been in the past however when cabbages grow from the east, chickens and rabbits tend not to play well together. PS, nothing will make sense today beginning with this HORRORscope.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Every day is Halloween for someone who admires you secretly from afar. If you are lucky they will remain hidden. If they reveal their self to you, you may question your own beauty and those that you tend to attract.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
This HORRORscope is strictly for guys and lesbians. If you are a female, play gay for the time you read this: Your girlfriend may ask you, “Does this make me look fat?” Think twice before answering. If you lie and say no, when you go out you’ll think everyone is looking at how fat she is. If you tell the truth she may never speak to you again.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
If you ask the wrong dude in the wrong neighborhood on the right day, he’ll tell you trinkets are a small price to pay for ass.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Being stood up by someone you like is bad. Being stood up by someone you don’t like reduces your popularity social status by at least 47%.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
A bad tattoo is like having a bad haircut all the time.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If beauty were measured in trash you’d be a landfill.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
A mother can not put a Sicilian curse on her daughter if she marries a man under 5’7″.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You will waste an hour telling someone you’ll be ready in a minute.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
A wise prostitute once said “Less is more.”
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Quote of the week: “The believer is happy. The doubter is wise.”
