Find out what your luck has in store for you today.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Someone else’s opinion about you may affect the way you pee standing up.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may suspect the person you’re talking to is not telling the whole truth. Walk away from the mirror.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You want to be more influential than you have been in the past however when cabbages grow from the east, chickens and rabbits tend not to play well together. PS, nothing will make sense today beginning with this HORRORscope.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Every day is Halloween for someone who admires you secretly from afar. If you are lucky they will remain hidden. If they reveal their self to you, you may question your own beauty and those that you tend to attract.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

This HORRORscope is strictly for guys and lesbians. If you are a female, play gay for the time you read this:  Your girlfriend may ask you, “Does this make me look fat?” Think twice before answering. If you lie and say no, when you go out you’ll think everyone is looking at how fat she is. If you tell the truth she may never speak to you again.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

If you ask the wrong dude in the wrong neighborhood on the right day, he’ll tell you trinkets are a small price to pay for ass.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Being stood up by someone you like is bad. Being stood up by someone you don’t like reduces your popularity social status by at least 47%.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A bad tattoo is like having a bad haircut all the time.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If beauty were measured in trash you’d be a landfill.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

A mother can not put a Sicilian curse on her daughter if she marries a man under 5’7″.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You will waste an hour telling someone you’ll be ready in a minute.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A wise prostitute once said “Less is more.”

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Quote of the week:    “The believer is happy. The doubter is wise.”