Never tease an armed midget with a high-five.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Trust your ability to lie more than someone else’s ability to forgive.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
The only literature worth reading is any magazine that allows Elvis to speak from the grave.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
A lifetime supply of foot powder will come in handy one day soon.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Be on the lookout. A reprieve is coming your way. It will be in some form of peanut butter.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Someone will never forget the night they never met you.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You know what stinks? You don’t have any ‘move about’ options with pooping like you do with peeing, unless of course you’re a puppy.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You can’t even do wrong right.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Never play boomerang with a bent fork.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You’re seriously thinking about cabbage patches and onion rings. Today is not a good day to make a random purchase while hanging with hip hop midgets.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Anticipation plays a major role in the failure of your deodorant.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You may have the feeling that those around you don’t have their shit together any more than you do, which only supports your theory that you live in a fucked up world; either that or your roommate is skipping out on paying his/her half of the rent to buy economy-sized oodles and noodles and isn’t sharing with you. That also proves you live in a fucked up world.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Laughter can do a great deal for you except when you’re giving a eulogy for an adolescent neighbor’s pet gerbil.
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Quote of the week: “The comfort of the rich depends upon an abundant supply of the poor.”