Never tease an armed midget with a high-five.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Trust your ability to lie more than someone else’s ability to forgive.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The only literature worth reading is any magazine that allows Elvis to speak from the grave.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A lifetime supply of foot powder will come in handy one day soon.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Be on the lookout. A reprieve is coming your way. It will be in some form of peanut butter.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Someone will never forget the night they never met you.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

 You know what stinks? You don’t have any ‘move about’ options with pooping like you do with peeing, unless of course you’re a puppy.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You can’t even do wrong right.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Never play boomerang with a bent fork.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You’re seriously thinking about cabbage patches and onion rings. Today is not a good day to make a random purchase while hanging with hip hop midgets.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Anticipation plays a major role in the failure of your deodorant.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You may have the feeling that those around you don’t have their shit together any more than you do, which only supports your theory that you live in a fucked up world; either that or your roommate is skipping out on paying his/her half of the rent to buy economy-sized oodles and noodles and isn’t sharing with you. That also proves you live in a fucked up world.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Laughter can do a great deal for you except when you’re giving a eulogy for an adolescent neighbor’s pet gerbil.

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Quote of the week:   “The comfort of the rich depends upon an abundant supply of the poor.”