Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 12-18, 2015

GOOD LUCK BRO

You can always count on a wet dog to make you feel better about your bad hair day.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The cosmos suggests you serve hot wings and crackers with no beverages at your next Friday night get together.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Beware of a trick move by a checkers-by-mail partner.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Life is much easier for non-germophobes.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You may be quite surprised by the reactions others have to your intrusive passing of gas. Clearly, not everyone agrees with your selection of burritos.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You may not be in a position to call the shots this week. In fact, you may be unlucky enough to be the target standing in front of the gun that shoots the shots. Good luck, and if we never hear from you again – goodbye.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Face whatever heads your way. Unless and only except if you’re drunk on a Friday night at a bar and the only thing heading your way is an unattractive person with no teeth, whose buttons are about to pop at the stomach.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your attempts to show your respect for another person’s priorities may not mean a thing to anyone because everyone knows you suck at pretending to care about anyone but yourself.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

It’s a good day to give a massage to a blind bald armadillo.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You’ll attract the attention of someone who’s been looking for an all-Chinese speaking CVS.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

If someone is going out of their way to avoid you, gloat! By insistently ignoring you they are giving you all the attention they are trying to hide. You are winning!

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You don’t have to do much to prove to everyone that you are right. You are always right. Unfortunately no one likes a know-it-all so right or wrong, no one will listen to you.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You may have to travel farther than you expected to get a good nutritious slice of humble pie.

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Quote of the week:    “Potential is high. Unfortunately Potential is the name of guy that ate all my Oreo cookies because he smoked a bag of pot before hitting the grocery store, which explains the backstory of the comment ‘Potential is high.’ Potential had the munchies and I’m sitting here still hungry.”

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