You can always count on a wet dog to make you feel better about your bad hair day.
December 22 – January 19
The cosmos suggests you serve hot wings and crackers with no beverages at your next Friday night get together.
January 20 – February 18
Beware of a trick move by a checkers-by-mail partner.
February 19 – March 20
Life is much easier for non-germophobes.
March 21 – April 19
You may be quite surprised by the reactions others have to your intrusive passing of gas. Clearly, not everyone agrees with your selection of burritos.
April 20 – May 20
You may not be in a position to call the shots this week. In fact, you may be unlucky enough to be the target standing in front of the gun that shoots the shots. Good luck, and if we never hear from you again – goodbye.
May 21 – June 20
Face whatever heads your way. Unless and only except if you’re drunk on a Friday night at a bar and the only thing heading your way is an unattractive person with no teeth, whose buttons are about to pop at the stomach.
June 21 – July 22
Your attempts to show your respect for another person’s priorities may not mean a thing to anyone because everyone knows you suck at pretending to care about anyone but yourself.
July 23 – August 22
It’s a good day to give a massage to a blind bald armadillo.
August 23 – September 22
You’ll attract the attention of someone who’s been looking for an all-Chinese speaking CVS.
September 23 – October 22
If someone is going out of their way to avoid you, gloat! By insistently ignoring you they are giving you all the attention they are trying to hide. You are winning!
October 23 – November 21
You don’t have to do much to prove to everyone that you are right. You are always right. Unfortunately no one likes a know-it-all so right or wrong, no one will listen to you.
November 22 – December 21
You may have to travel farther than you expected to get a good nutritious slice of humble pie.
Quote of the week: “Potential is high. Unfortunately Potential is the name of guy that ate all my Oreo cookies because he smoked a bag of pot before hitting the grocery store, which explains the backstory of the comment ‘Potential is high.’ Potential had the munchies and I’m sitting here still hungry.”