Sadly we live in a world where it’s all too easy for someone to pop a cap in our ass, as some of my most intelligent hood rat friends would so eloquently put it. I might have been brought up in the streets, but I was smart enough to pay attention in school to learn what not to do or say to get shot. You wouldn’t believe how many friends I’ve lost because they didn’t believe it was a bad idea to stick their fingers in another man’s bag of Martin’s sour cream and onion potato chips. Sigh. I lose more friends that way.
Anyway, let’s not kill a mood. If you follow my advice and obey this list, you just might live long enough to thank me later. And don’t worry about forgetting to thank me. I won’t let you forget. And if you do forget, well…I just might have to shoot you myself, which incidentally probably should be added to this list – “Never forget you owe Hottywood or else!” DUN DUN DUUUNNNNN
If someone asks you if you miss them and you don’t – LIE!!! Then never answer your phone again.
I don’t know about you but I personally hate this question. If I haven’t told you I missed you then I probably don’t. And if there’s one thing I hate to do is lie…except of course when someone asks me if I miss them. I’ve made the mistake and told some overly weighted, overly boring, overly pimple infested people that I didn’t miss them when asked and I still find myself hiding behind bushes when I walk down the street.
Never invite someone to your house if you have a snail infestation.
Listen, having roaches and rats are bad enough. But have you ever seen the look on someone’s face when they’ve come to your house only to be pinned against a wall by an army of snails? Trust me, if anyone ever lives to tell another living soul that they held you hostage with such an infestation, they’ll probably beat you to death for putting them in that predicament or talk about you so bad until you’d wish you were dead. Your safest bet is just to be at one with your own pests. There are many things people should never share and a snail incursion is one of those things.
Don’t mess with a man’s:
- Brand new sneakers
- Hennessy bottle
- Now-or-Laters, or
- Bail money
Listen. For your sake just don’t do it. This comes from a man whose toes still hurt from the ass kicking I gave to the last person that messed with my radio, sneakers, Hennessy bottle, now-or-laters, and bail money.
But you didn’t hear that bail money part from me.
Never tell a woman, “You looking very butch today.”
I’m gonna make this easy on you. If you tell a woman she looks like a man, she just might beat you up like one. And nothing makes a guy look more like a bitch than getting body slammed by a girl, unless that girl looks like this.
By the way, if you’re consciously seeing this woman [romantically] and neither one of you are on an episode of Ripley’s Believe it or Not, you just might need to be body slammed any way.
I wouldn’t advise you to tell anyone they’re not as stupid as they look. Especially on Mondays!
People get really angry when you insult them on Mondays. Even if they have the word STUPID stamped across their forehead.
Don’t ask me how I know this. Just take my word on it.
Never, under any circumstances, compare your current lover’s sex with an ex’s. It almost always never ends well. And by almost always never ends well, I mean it usually ends in death. Yours!
Most people aren’t strong or confident enough to hear the answer that they aren’t looking for. In fact, the word REBOUND comes to mind.
Don’t bring cheeseburgers to a gym. Fat people will attack you because they want what you have and skinny people will attack you because they’ll assume you’re teasing them with what they can’t have. Cheeseburgers + Gym = SCREWED.
You probably shouldn’t tell a cop No, especially if you’re black or if you’ve just made an office run to Dunkin Donuts.
The only way it’s advisable to piss off a cop
is if your names rhymes
No matter how old you are, never ask your parents “Who asked you?” because you’ll never live to see the age that follows the age you are now.
You haven’t seen an angry mother until you’ve questioned her authority…
or lost your house keys.
Don’t bring your own bottle of communion wine to a church full of fasting alcoholics.
Things will be bound to get ugly…