“Chase dreams. Not people.”

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Find a penny and pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck, unless you find that penny in jail. No good luck comes from bending over to pick up anything in jail.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you were to die tomorrow…well, never mind. If you die tomorrow you really don’t need a HORRORscope now do you?

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The only unthinkable thing is that nothing is unthinkable.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You are likely to encounter someone who reminds you very much of a jeep.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Be careful that you don’t let someone get too close when asking in-depth questions. Your morning breath may not have worn off yet.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The view you enjoy from afar is actually of someone you don’t like that is walking away from you. Your day just got better.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You are in someone else’s sight, but that someone is as blind as a bat so it’s all good.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Some things are, and should be, temporary; sorta like that last one night stand you just had.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You will be able to offer some insight on something that has nothing to do with you. However you will not be able to offer any insight on minding your own damn business.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Being green with envy does not match your shoes.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

People are bored with that tired shirt you wear every week with the armpit stain on the upper right shoulder.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The head in your pants is likely to make a decision the head on your shoulders wouldn’t ordinarily make. However the head on your shoulders will be thanking the head in your pants all the way to the clinic.

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Quote of the week:   “Just because Fate doesn’t deal you the right cards, it doesn’t mean you should give up. It just means you have to play the cards you get to their maximum potential.”