“Chase dreams. Not people.”
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Find a penny and pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck, unless you find that penny in jail. No good luck comes from bending over to pick up anything in jail.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If you were to die tomorrow…well, never mind. If you die tomorrow you really don’t need a HORRORscope now do you?
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
The only unthinkable thing is that nothing is unthinkable.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You are likely to encounter someone who reminds you very much of a jeep.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Be careful that you don’t let someone get too close when asking in-depth questions. Your morning breath may not have worn off yet.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
The view you enjoy from afar is actually of someone you don’t like that is walking away from you. Your day just got better.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You are in someone else’s sight, but that someone is as blind as a bat so it’s all good.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Some things are, and should be, temporary; sorta like that last one night stand you just had.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You will be able to offer some insight on something that has nothing to do with you. However you will not be able to offer any insight on minding your own damn business.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Being green with envy does not match your shoes.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
People are bored with that tired shirt you wear every week with the armpit stain on the upper right shoulder.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The head in your pants is likely to make a decision the head on your shoulders wouldn’t ordinarily make. However the head on your shoulders will be thanking the head in your pants all the way to the clinic.
Quote of the week: “Just because Fate doesn’t deal you the right cards, it doesn’t mean you should give up. It just means you have to play the cards you get to their maximum potential.”
