Kats and kittens, don’t kill me. My crystal ball was a little too dusty to get a clear vision of this week’s future’s fortune.

Here’s what happened:

My old ass [senior citizen] pet cougar had too much catnip with his early morning bowl of hot milk and accidentally (…or on purpose, whatever) knocked over my Uncle Marshallowseizerman’s urn off the fireplace mantle (I promised old Uncle Marshallowseizerman that I’d warm his ashes over a fireplace [after he left this Earth]. I found the most decorative urn money could buy (the $1 Store had a sale!) to rest him in as I prepared his soul for an eternal cessation in hell – may he rest in peace and always have a glass of water nearby). The next thing you know, the cougar got high (enter the catnip); one thing led to another and ashes were everywhere! It was a big mess and a story way more interesting than today’s HORRORscopes.

HOWEVER my sources beyond the stars tell me that all of your HORRORscopes share the same astrological path this week;

“Chase today with a bottle of hot sauce.”

Quote of the week:    “He who is drowned is not troubled by the rain.”