Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist

HottywoodHelps.com brings to you its debut book, “Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist, the first of an Ask Hottywood trilogy, which chronicles the tale of a young Hottywood and his inspiration behind becoming a humorous advice columnist.

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Get your copy now!

TUAC Cover


 Live, with Eddie Kayne and A Cup of Tea on the Eddie Kane Show, Saturday, May 30, 2015

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Office Work Leads to Excessive Alcohol Consumption

If we were to take a trip back in time to the era when alcohol was first invented (roughly 10,000 B.C.), we’d stumble upon the first person to blame their steamy night of unbridled passion on liquor. We’d stumble upon the first wino. We’d also stumble upon the first person to ever have a hangover at work.

 

Fast forward a few thousand years later and not much has changed. The average man or woman today can be found wobbling the streets in an off balanced attempt to walk off the beer bottles and shot glasses from their previous night (or their lunch break) that could potentially land their cold sweats in some major hot water.

As common as it is to drink in lively spirit (or even in depression or out of sheer voracity), it is equally as common for man to drag himself to the office by the collar with a hangover from hell. This act is about as common as skinny jeans for men and outlandish faux eyelashes for women and drag queens.

If you say you’ve never gone to work with a hangover you’re a liar. And if you believe your colleagues spend half the morning vomiting in the office pee-hole because they ate a bad bagel, you’re a fool. In fact, office work leads to  excessive consumption of alcohol. It’s a proven fact.

These days, employees drink to drown high levels of work-related stress. They drink to avoid punching their colleagues and supervisors in the nose. They drink to mask the tasteless flavors of the job’s cafeteria food. They drink to help them sleep through half of the eight hour work day. They drink because it’s necessary.

Even though there are ways to hide a hangover – scotch tape connecting the eyelids to the eyebrows; toothpicks in eyelids; painting pupils on closed eyes; bleach-based eye drops; – why bother going through all that effort, especially if and when the hangovers are a result of work overflow?

Instead of laying shame on the enormous intake of fermented beverages, hangovers should be something to be proud of. Excessive drinking brought on by the overwhelm of the office is validation that an employee is working harder than the human body can take. It means that employee is actually doing something between the hours of 9AM-5PM. He/She is doing his/her work, even if they are cranky from work overload and slowly bleeding to death from unfiled paper cuts and blisters on their keyboard typing fingers. Who cares if the employee’s head is ready to implode as long as the week’s progress report is up to par?

Managers in the workforce that forbid their employees to drink on the job ought to be ashamed of themselves. They want their cake and they want to eat it too, but not offer any of the damn cake to the drunk worker so he/she can soak up the liquor still lingering in their system. Isn’t that selfish?

Hard working employees shower with their clothes on to save time in the morning to go to work for a man dressed in a starched button down shirt who can’t even remember his department team members’ names. They hang themselves up in the closet at night hoping that being that much closer to their wardrobe will save them a confusing amount of effort of trying to decide what to throw on in the morning that will allow them enough time to catch the 7:10am shuttle bus.  And that amount of trouble is still not enough to convince manager(s) to implement a policy that supports the purchase of vodka and brandy from a vending maching inside the staff break room. Seriously, is that too much ask?

Employers don’t realize by now that employees that are bright-eyed and bushy tailed are really slackers? Those peppy office mates must not be underworked if they are not suffering from the medically acclaimed “Idranktoomuchlastnightis” or “Idranktoomuchonmyfifteenminutecoffeebreakoxology,” like all the rest of the American workforce. They are obviously not stressed out from full inboxes, emails and extended staff meetings. They are purposeless to the team and therefore should be fired. And any manager that doesn’t realize that ought to be fired too. Or set on fire.

Until employers, managers, supervisors, bosses, or whatever title they go by these days, hip themselves to the various stresses their subordinates go through every day, employees will continue to come to work with red eyes and fiery attitude problems. They will continue to sweat gin through their open pores. And they will continue to secretly sneak a swig from their flask under their desk just to get the job done and ensure themselves that they’ll get a paycheck at the end of the week.

Don’t think all managers don’t know that they are employing professional alchies to type a winning memo to the boss’ boss. Congress simply has not yet passed an appropriate bill that will allow those managers to stop playing stupid.


Quote of the week:  “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 17-23, 2015

dontbeshady

Give yourself the option of not making losing an option.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Beware of pickpockets and loose women.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Incredibly brave and incredibly stupid is one incredibly interesting mix.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are bound to make a decision driven by a boil in your armpit.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Always remain friends with anyone that can give you a store discount on Tupperware.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Carelessness can cost you a front tooth and 24 hours of joke-buttism.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Those who usually look out for your best interest will take a 24 hour break from telling you the truth, and in turn your outfit will be the laughing stock of the bus stop.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You are eager to move but the corns on your toes are too heavy to lift your feet. You’re going nowhere fast.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A certain sassiness can serve you well, unless you have a pimp for a boss. Otherwise the Aquarian HORRORscope applies to you.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Others are certain to rally around you when they realize your bribe is worth more than a chili dog from an outside hot dog vendor.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Avoid coming down too hard on one that carries an inflatable boxing glove in his back pocket.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You may have to step in and finish a job for someone who is unexpectedly called away. This is called CORPORATE AMERICA SYNDROME.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Never trust anyone that shows their ass before they show their face.


Quote of the week:    “Only a strong man lives to tell the tale of walking a mile in uncomfortable shoes.”

The ‘Why in the Hell Would You Do That???’ List

It goes without saying that this world is full of stupid people who do stupid things.  However, instead of talking about how idiotic they are, we should learn from them.  We should learn how not to be as intellectually challenged as some of our counterparts.  You’d be suprised at the number of smart people who do some of the dumbest sh*t.  Afterall, it’s terribly possible for someone to be so smart that they lack common sense.  On the other hand, there are plenty of folks who are only smart enough to rely on their common sense or their stupidity.  These folks typically end up landing boast-worthy jobs working in the check-out line of a thrift store.
Pay close attention to the list below and learn what not to do in an attempt to avoid winding up on the “Why in the Hell Would You Do That?” list.

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Why in the hell would you put on the most unflattering accessory you can find to draw attention to a not so charming face and an even worse haircut?  What’s worse is that most people wear these horrific accessories in closed places to make themselves stand out.  News flash, moron: you stand out alright, but only as the ass who looks like a total jack ass.


parking lot racing

Why in the hell would you decide to go grocery go-cart racing in a grocery store parking lot, with the finish line being at the entrance of the lot?  One of these days, as you’re sitting in your wheelchair with two paralyzed legs, you’ll sit back and laugh at that drag race gone wrong.


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Nothing says ‘life of the party’ like pouring a glass of beer in your nose.  Oh yeah, I’m sure the dates will be lining up for a night on the town with you.


human paint brush

Who in the hell would allow themselves to be used as a human paint brush?  A human ball point pen maybe, but a human paint brush? This is one of the many mysteries of the world.


Why would you bother writing the reminder, “THINK” on your stomach?  Doesn’t everyone think with their stomach?


 

hungry wedding 2

Your wedding day is supposed to be about you and your new spouse, and of course looking great and having all the single people stab themselves with jealousy.  Why in the hell would you stuff your face like a homeless puppy, and run the risk of ruining that perfect outfit that was handed down to you from your family member who was married 6 times in the same get-up?  For your next wedding, drink more. Eat less.


 

BADCUT

Why would you let a blind barber give you a haircut?  No matter how you spin it, bald spots style will never catch on.  Well, maybe if someone makes walking around blindfolded popular.


Why in the hell would you do number 2 in anyone’s bathroom without checking to see if there’s any toilet paper?  You can always use your socks to wipe your ass and clean off your fingers once you’ve finished writing the phrase, “Need Toilet Paper,” in sh*t on the walls.  Just don’t count on being invited back to the paperless establishment. Also, you may need to buy a new pair of socks.


What sense does it make to drive blindfolded while wearing a seat belt??? None, but there’s no point in living on the edge if you’re going to be safe about it.


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Why would you try to use an EBT card to make an online purchase?  On second thought, you’d be surprised at the perks of living in the hood.

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Just because the fattest coworker at your job buys you lunch every day simply to make it appear as if they have friends doesn’t mean you should agree to sleep with them to even the debt.  Maybe you should take a class in using people to avoid this type of horrifying self-reduction in the future.


 

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Why would you serve alcohol at a celebratory recovery party to a recovering drunk?  This is a sure way to get a one-way ticket straight to hell.  That is unless you have friends in high — or low places.   

Admit One


Quote of the week:   “Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.”

Office Wars: Payback is a Beast

office-prank-bearGuys and gals, it’s been a while since my last office gripe. I believe since the last time I hurled a staple remover at one of my office mates, I’ve settled comfortably in my emotions, allowing me to tell my colleagues to fuck off while smiling very respectably and sipping on a cup of hot raspberry tea.

Well today one of my colleagues, we’ll call her FAT ANNIE, pulled one of her usual “I-can’t-do-anything-except-put-on-a-front-for-anyone-that-bears-a-high-ranking-title” routines.  It’s not as important to tell you what FAT ANNIE did to piss me off. Besides, no one cares about the why. They only care about the what happens next.  I think I can answer that question. Well, presumably anyway.

Here’s a recap of what went down. Someone out there is curious to know why I’m plotting my revenge:

FAT ANNIE was being her usual worthless self. When I needed something from her in order to complete an assignment, her verbal responses were just as worthless as her physical laziness.  When she couldn’t muster up any more intelligent stupid words to say, she said fuck it all together and completely dismissed me.  Naturally, because I was already upset for being at work in the first place when I’d rather have been a thousand other places with anyone but her, I almost lost my cool. I almost forgot that I wasn’t out on the strip (even though I often joke that the workplace is a hoe stroll where a bunch of proprietors dressed up in second tier Sunday garments sign off on employees’ paychecks, making us [loose employees] their bitches for hire).

Instead of jumping off the deep end, I punched a hole in her Mac computer monitor and stomped out of her office. I mean I literally stomped out like a college marching band. It may have been a little dramatic but who cares? Work is boring and I bring the theatrics.

I probably could have handled things differently.

I could have pushed FAT ANNIE out of her chair and threw it at her candy dish. I probably would have saved her from adding any extra pounds to her thighs. I could have put her ugly white pumps in the microwave and watched the cheap imitation leather melt. I could have taken a permanent black magic marker and wrote some colorful Chinese street slang on her forehead. The best part about this idea is that I don’t speak a word of Chinese (and still I can understand everything Ming Lee says to me from behind the carryout cashier’s window).

Alas, I didn’t do any of these things. However the day is only half over. *Rubs hands together devilishly*

Since I can’t go all inner city ghetto on her non inner city ghetto ass, what can/will I do to annoy the hell out of her that will cause mischief, keep me out of jail and keep me employed all at the same time? My choices of payback are limited, but I’m creative and will make do with what little I have to work with. Hmmmm. I might…

Plant a grass garden in her computer keyboard.

Garden


Create an infinite loop of shopping carts around her car. …wait. Didn’t I say I needed to do something that wouldn’t get me put in jail?  Dammit. Scratch that.

Shopping Carts


Attach an air horn to her seat.

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Offer her some mint-flavored Oreo cookies, or

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Make sure the morning paper is delivered to her office every morning before she drags her lazy behind to work. Fortunately she’s always late.

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Watching her turn maroon red with anger will be more than enough kudos for me to pat myself on the back for making her miserable life even more miserable. And just think, I can turn her good day bad easily, and on the company’s dime! #WINNING


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What We Can Learn From Living in the Hood

Konnichiwa, dudes and dudettes!  Today we are going to talk about valuable lessons learned.  Not just any valuable lessons, but lessons that we can learn from living in the hood.

Many of you may not know that my toilet bowl was not always made of 14 karat gold.  I know, I know.  It may come as a shock to you, but I too, did not grow up with palm trees and rollerblades to get me from point A to point B on the boardwalk.  In fact, my neighborhood was quite the opposite.  But despite the bald patches in the lawns of my neighborhood’s less than grassy pastures, there are a heck of a lot of things that I’ve learned from living in the hood.  And it’s time to pass on my knowledge to those who daringly turn their nose up to some of the world’s most seemingly tainted communities.

Pack your bags kids, because after seeing all that can be gained from living on the wrong side of the tracks, you may just be ready to plan your next trip to a neighborhood where your best bet is to double-bolt the locks on your doors!


Lesson #1 ~ The Value of Discipline and Respect

In any ‘hood’, one of the first two things that you learn is discipline and respect.  Discipline begins with what your parents teach you at home and is usually supported by a thin switch pulled off the closest tree or any belt pulled from whatever pair of pants your daddy is wearing at the time.  Both [the switch and the belt] are enough to keep your ass in check when they strike your behind like stray bullets.  It may sound a little harsh, but it’s a consequence most misbehaved kids have to endure for being disrespectful to their elders…aw hell, being disrespectful PERIOD.  Things like stealing, sassing and lying are most common reasons for getting that ass tapped.  Also getting caught making out in the basement with no adult supervision anywhere in the house (every kid on the planet knows they aren’t supposed to have company while their parents aren’t home) or sparking up a fat blunt are sure ways to reserve a one way trip to WHOOPING WORLD. KIDS, DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU. Luckily, getting back-handed in the lips is what most parents go for today, just to remind their kids of what is to come next.

NOTE: When daddy’s belt is unleashed, run for your life!  When grandma’s switch is swinging, bob and weave. Only be sure to get hit on purpose at least once. The more granny misses with that switch, the angrier she becomes and the worse the whooping is. FYI, if your parents send you out to pick out your own switch, just keep on going.  Don’t bother going back in the house.  Pack a PB&J sandwich and run-away. Don’t come back until you think your parents have forgotten they owe an ass whooping. PS, good luck with that. Parents don’t forget something as important as hopping on that behind!

Keep in mind, though, that in the hood, it’s not just your parents that have all the fun of whooping your tail.  It’s also the neighbors.  There’s a little saying that I grew up with that goes, “It takes a village to raise a child,” which to me says everyone in that village has a right to spank you when you’ve screwed up.  Having said that, respecting the rules and knowing your place as a child are the keys for not getting popped.  As you become an adult, you’ll quickly remember the sting of whelps the next time you want to get out of line and disrespect someone.

…AND in case you didn’t know, children are not the only ones susceptible to a spanking. Adults can get out of line and say some slick shit, too. When they do, they should watch out. You never know when you’re going to open your mouth and your daddy steps out, reaching for whatever belt you’re wearing at the time. #PutUpYourDukes


 Lesson #2 ~ Appreciation for the Simple Things in Life

Let’s be real.  Most people live in the hood or the projects because they just can’t afford a better grade of land.  It’s not a bad thing.  The hood has the best parties – that is before the cops arrive to break up the fight that almost always inevitably causes the party to go awry.  But because most [or let me speak of my own personal experience] project dwellers do not have much, appreciation for the simple things is imminent.  Things like:

  • Kool-Aid, the least expensive beverage on the planet…next to tap water, of course;
  • Oodles & Noodles, the cheapest, easiest and most popular dinner choice of all the little greedy kids that selfishly grub on noodle juice at the playground;
  • Cable TV, because it saves money on aluminum foil.  How does it save money on aluminum foil?  Simple.  Thanks to cable TV, aluminum foil is now only used for kitchen duty and no longer for getting a better reception when wrapped around a television antenna.
  • The final piece of appreciation is beer.  On almost every street corner in the hood there’s a liquor store.  Beer is the cheapest of alcoholic beverages and probably the most easiest to get.  As you become old enough to stop sneaking sips of the malt beverage or slick enough to stop paying random dumb adults to purchase your booze for you, you save money on your spirits when you’ve finally graduated to a higher class of associates who like to hang out in nightclubs and local bars.  While they’re spending loads of cash on their gin & tonics and long island iced-teas, you’re saving your Benjamins on bumbers, 24oz and 40oz sized Steele Reserves and Budweisers, leaving you plenty of cash in your pocket to load up on the economy size family pack of oodles & noodles, which will come in handy when you’ve blown all of your money on something completely worthless. Not referring to beer of course. Beer is not worthless. Beer is a culture of the hood.

 Lesson #3 ~ The Appreciation of Music 

One can’t deny that music is a big part of living in the hood.  Granted, you may not hear Mozart, but it is very easy to be reminded of the tribal drums of Africa, thanks to the sounds of particularly loud bass echoing through the speakers of a pimped out ‘hoopty’, usually at the most disturbing hours of the night.


Lesson #4 ~ Social Interaction  

Because there are all types of people and personalities in some of the city’s most questionable neighborhoods, we learn the value of diversity.  As a result of living in these neighborhoods, we are able to gauge the best way to deal with some of the best and the worst people.  For example; bullies, winos, hustlers, hoes, nosey neighbors, crooked cops and Jehovah’s witnesses.

You’d be surprised how these types of people integrate into today’s society and dress up their debatable personalities in the common workplace.  Living in the hood gives you an advantage over when and how to run and duck for cover when you see these folks headed in your direction.

 

 

 


  Lesson #5 ~ Fashion Awareness 

Fashion is the final piece of hoodiology, because no matter what you don’t have [while living in some form of the projects] the one thing that everyone does have is a means to get a brand new outfit to wear to the club, even if that outfit consists only of a spanking white pair of tennis shoes, which nobody better step on if they don’t want to catch a beat down before the last call for alcohol.


So many people misconceive those who were raised on a little bit of nothing; who grew up on back alley streets; shadow-boxed and played street football because they couldn’t afford to attend stadium sporting events; whose credit is bad and who has criminal records longer than some of the wrap sheets of some of Hollywood’s most notable out of control young starlets.  But the thing that they don’t know is that some of society’s most capable people are born and raised right in the crappiest of neighborhoods, where values and responsibility is surreptitiously at its highest peak and free fun reigns supreme.

Never forget where you come from or what you’ve learned from where you’ve been.


Quote of the week:   “Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 10-16, 2015

Photo Op!

This week’s HORRORscopes are brought to you from the dairy section of your local grocery store.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

French kissing is off the menu this week because your saliva tastes like mop water.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The texture of your toilet paper will determine the execution of your day.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Two words are guaranteed to get you through the day: “F*ck it.”

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

It’s not what you do but who you are that matters. Unless, of course, you do the wrong thing at the wrong time in front of the wrong people.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Change your washcloth for a new outlook on life.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You are likely to attract someone with no job and a criminal record. Your love life is looking up…or at least looking at 5-10.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Someone is going to ask your opinion on a matter you care nothing about. Put your right hand over your heart and do what you do best – LIE.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A smart guy’s prize is a hair net. In other words, your local McDonald’s is operated by geniuses – from the cashiers to the fry cooks.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It’s time to cut your toenails. They are reminiscent to the toes of a desert buzzard.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You’ll find out the true content of someone’s character the first time you tell them “No” on the morning after, when you’ve sobered up and seen them for the first time in actual non-alcoholic light.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Stress is the confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk that desperately deserves it.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your failure only establishes that your determination to succeed wasn’t strong enough. But you didn’t need anyone to tell you that, loser.

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Quote of the week:    “Not everyone’s heart is made of the same stone as yours.”