One day this week you will fall into a vat of radio active waste and emerge with the power to manipulate pizza with your mind.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Someone may get the wrong impression when you wish them a safe trip over a short cliff.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are on a spiritual journey towards a bright light and hand towels.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Nuns don’t keep well in a hot car.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Speaking of your nipples in the third person will result in a surprising outcome. Wear your Sunday’s finest on Friday.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Bushy eyebrows are a perfect way to alter an already bad look. Also, hamsters are on sale.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

If you must monopolize a conversation, make sure you’re aware that the more you speak, the less interesting you become.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You say stupid stuff to people all the time and they still like you. Go with it.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Learn to appreciate the little things in life – like peeing while standing up.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Never make it common practice to speak without thought unless beer, strippers or Ramen noodles are present.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Pimples and weight gain are an even exchange for an all-cake diet.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

An hour and 17 minutes will be wasted on stale coffee and forgotten chatter.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Don’t give anyone an opportunity to fuq you over unless they are paying up front.

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Quote of the week:    “Blond is right.”