One day this week you will fall into a vat of radio active waste and emerge with the power to manipulate pizza with your mind.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Someone may get the wrong impression when you wish them a safe trip over a short cliff.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You are on a spiritual journey towards a bright light and hand towels.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Nuns don’t keep well in a hot car.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Speaking of your nipples in the third person will result in a surprising outcome. Wear your Sunday’s finest on Friday.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Bushy eyebrows are a perfect way to alter an already bad look. Also, hamsters are on sale.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
If you must monopolize a conversation, make sure you’re aware that the more you speak, the less interesting you become.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You say stupid stuff to people all the time and they still like you. Go with it.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Learn to appreciate the little things in life – like peeing while standing up.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Never make it common practice to speak without thought unless beer, strippers or Ramen noodles are present.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Pimples and weight gain are an even exchange for an all-cake diet.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
An hour and 17 minutes will be wasted on stale coffee and forgotten chatter.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Don’t give anyone an opportunity to fuq you over unless they are paying up front.
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Quote of the week: “Blond is right.”
You are always so mean to us Cancers !! *sticks tongue out*
If it makes you feel any better, I’m always mean to everyone.