Are you tired of going on one bad date after another? Has your best friend set you up with someone who’s below your standards? Did you finally get the telephone number of the hot chick in your church who turns out to be dumber than a door knob…or worse, a hot chick with bushy underarms? Well now’s your chance to rest easy, because you’re not alone.
It’s time to stand up for your rights and fight back with a few easy quick steps to sabotage a bad date disgracefully! This list is very short, but also very fun! The look on your date’s face when you purposely act like a moron [to make them uninterested in you] is priceless!
Listen carefully. These tips take careful planning and coordination, but are worth every effort.
Conveniently leave home without any money.
Just be prepared to wash an ass-load of dishes, or make a break for it! If you really want to make a bad impression, make a scene that you’re cheap and put the blame on your date.
Speak only in rhyme like a rap star.
Be sure to use animated sound effects and boisterous hand gestures. Offensive language and stereotypes are a must! This routine will be most effective if you are in a family-oriented establishment. End each verse with, “You know what I’m sayin’ Gee?” and grab your crotch obsessively. Make your stage-left exit before the cops arrive.
When speaking to your date, never use any direct eye contact.
In fact, just cover your eyes completely while screaming, “Medusa!” If you really want to stir things up, toss your drink in her face. Oh what the heck, toss everyone’s drink in her face! Then run like the wind because there’s no doubt that she’s going to fuq you up!
Each time your date attempts to speak, interrupt them with useless facts about cheese.
Be as annoying and rude as possible. But beware, your date may just like cheese. If so, fart loudly and fan the smell with your restaurant menu. Do not smile when doing so.
Have your wife call during dessert.
This will raise more questions than a little bit. To be a top-notch jack ass, invite her along and compare your wife to your date. Don’t compliment either your wife or your date and refer to yourself only in third person. Once your date finishes pinching herself in disbelief, insist that she owes you money for her half of the meal and a partial payment for your wife’s meal.
Pick your nose a lot.
To ensure that no one misses what you are doing, be sure to announce each time you’ve felt a booger and show it to the disgusted audience.
Stuff all of your food into your mouth at once and whistle the theme song to the Andy Griffith Show.
Compliment your date’s legs – from underneath the table.
Be sure to pack a hockey mask as this usually ends with a swift kick to the nose.
Remove the top half of your clothes until your nipples are completely exposed.
It won’t matter if your date walks out on you because nine times out of ten you’re going to leave with someone else anyway.
Sneeze on your date’s food and then ask, “Are you gonna eat that?”
The more moist the sneeze, the better. Oh, and don’t forget to leave your manners and Kleenex at home!
Getting someone to lose interest in you is not that difficult actually, especially if you’re still on 1st date status; that is unless your date is a psychopath, a total Grade F, or someone so desperate for attention that no matter what you do bad, it’s all good. Even if you’ve fallen into a trap of dating one of the types listed above, it’s not impossible to come up with a quick crash and burn. All it takes is a little more effort to be even more annoying. And 90% of any effort is getting started.
Quote of the week: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There’s no sense being a damn fool about it.”