This week’s HORRORscopes are brought to you from the dairy section of your local grocery store.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
French kissing is off the menu this week because your saliva tastes like mop water.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
The texture of your toilet paper will determine the execution of your day.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Two words are guaranteed to get you through the day: “F*ck it.”
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
It’s not what you do but who you are that matters. Unless, of course, you do the wrong thing at the wrong time in front of the wrong people.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Change your washcloth for a new outlook on life.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You are likely to attract someone with no job and a criminal record. Your love life is looking up…or at least looking at 5-10.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Someone is going to ask your opinion on a matter you care nothing about. Put your right hand over your heart and do what you do best – LIE.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
A smart guy’s prize is a hair net. In other words, your local McDonald’s is operated by geniuses – from the cashiers to the fry cooks.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
It’s time to cut your toenails. They are reminiscent to the toes of a desert buzzard.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You’ll find out the true content of someone’s character the first time you tell them “No” on the morning after, when you’ve sobered up and seen them for the first time in actual non-alcoholic light.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Stress is the confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk that desperately deserves it.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Your failure only establishes that your determination to succeed wasn’t strong enough. But you didn’t need anyone to tell you that, loser.
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Quote of the week: “Not everyone’s heart is made of the same stone as yours.”
