This week’s HORRORscopes are brought to you from the dairy section of your local grocery store.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

French kissing is off the menu this week because your saliva tastes like mop water.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The texture of your toilet paper will determine the execution of your day.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Two words are guaranteed to get you through the day: “F*ck it.”

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

It’s not what you do but who you are that matters. Unless, of course, you do the wrong thing at the wrong time in front of the wrong people.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Change your washcloth for a new outlook on life.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You are likely to attract someone with no job and a criminal record. Your love life is looking up…or at least looking at 5-10.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Someone is going to ask your opinion on a matter you care nothing about. Put your right hand over your heart and do what you do best – LIE.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A smart guy’s prize is a hair net. In other words, your local McDonald’s is operated by geniuses – from the cashiers to the fry cooks.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It’s time to cut your toenails. They are reminiscent to the toes of a desert buzzard.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You’ll find out the true content of someone’s character the first time you tell them “No” on the morning after, when you’ve sobered up and seen them for the first time in actual non-alcoholic light.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Stress is the confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk that desperately deserves it.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your failure only establishes that your determination to succeed wasn’t strong enough. But you didn’t need anyone to tell you that, loser.

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Quote of the week:    “Not everyone’s heart is made of the same stone as yours.”