Office Wars: Payback is a Beast

office-prank-bearGuys and gals, it’s been a while since my last office gripe. I believe since the last time I hurled a staple remover at one of my office mates, I’ve settled comfortably in my emotions, allowing me to tell my colleagues to fuck off while smiling very respectably and sipping on a cup of hot raspberry tea.

Well today one of my colleagues, we’ll call her FAT ANNIE, pulled one of her usual “I-can’t-do-anything-except-put-on-a-front-for-anyone-that-bears-a-high-ranking-title” routines.  It’s not as important to tell you what FAT ANNIE did to piss me off. Besides, no one cares about the why. They only care about the what happens next.  I think I can answer that question. Well, presumably anyway.

Here’s a recap of what went down. Someone out there is curious to know why I’m plotting my revenge:

FAT ANNIE was being her usual worthless self. When I needed something from her in order to complete an assignment, her verbal responses were just as worthless as her physical laziness.  When she couldn’t muster up any more intelligent stupid words to say, she said fuck it all together and completely dismissed me.  Naturally, because I was already upset for being at work in the first place when I’d rather have been a thousand other places with anyone but her, I almost lost my cool. I almost forgot that I wasn’t out on the strip (even though I often joke that the workplace is a hoe stroll where a bunch of proprietors dressed up in second tier Sunday garments sign off on employees’ paychecks, making us [loose employees] their bitches for hire).

Instead of jumping off the deep end, I punched a hole in her Mac computer monitor and stomped out of her office. I mean I literally stomped out like a college marching band. It may have been a little dramatic but who cares? Work is boring and I bring the theatrics.

I probably could have handled things differently.

I could have pushed FAT ANNIE out of her chair and threw it at her candy dish. I probably would have saved her from adding any extra pounds to her thighs. I could have put her ugly white pumps in the microwave and watched the cheap imitation leather melt. I could have taken a permanent black magic marker and wrote some colorful Chinese street slang on her forehead. The best part about this idea is that I don’t speak a word of Chinese (and still I can understand everything Ming Lee says to me from behind the carryout cashier’s window).

Alas, I didn’t do any of these things. However the day is only half over. *Rubs hands together devilishly*

Since I can’t go all inner city ghetto on her non inner city ghetto ass, what can/will I do to annoy the hell out of her that will cause mischief, keep me out of jail and keep me employed all at the same time? My choices of payback are limited, but I’m creative and will make do with what little I have to work with. Hmmmm. I might…

Plant a grass garden in her computer keyboard.


Create an infinite loop of shopping carts around her car. …wait. Didn’t I say I needed to do something that wouldn’t get me put in jail?  Dammit. Scratch that.

Shopping Carts

Attach an air horn to her seat.


Offer her some mint-flavored Oreo cookies, or


Make sure the morning paper is delivered to her office every morning before she drags her lazy behind to work. Fortunately she’s always late.


Watching her turn maroon red with anger will be more than enough kudos for me to pat myself on the back for making her miserable life even more miserable. And just think, I can turn her good day bad easily, and on the company’s dime! #WINNING

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