Why in the hell would you put on the most unflattering accessory you can find to draw attention to a not so charming face and an even worse haircut? What’s worse is that most people wear these horrific accessories in closed places to make themselves stand out. News flash, moron: you stand out alright, but only as the ass who looks like a total jack ass.
Why in the hell would you decide to go grocery go-cart racing in a grocery store parking lot, with the finish line being at the entrance of the lot? One of these days, as you’re sitting in your wheelchair with two paralyzed legs, you’ll sit back and laugh at that drag race gone wrong.
Nothing says ‘life of the party’ like pouring a glass of beer in your nose. Oh yeah, I’m sure the dates will be lining up for a night on the town with you.
Who in the hell would allow themselves to be used as a human paint brush? A human ball point pen maybe, but a human paint brush? This is one of the many mysteries of the world.
Why would you bother writing the reminder, “THINK” on your stomach? Doesn’t everyone think with their stomach?
Your wedding day is supposed to be about you and your new spouse, and of course looking great and having all the single people stab themselves with jealousy. Why in the hell would you stuff your face like a homeless puppy, and run the risk of ruining that perfect outfit that was handed down to you from your family member who was married 6 times in the same get-up? For your next wedding, drink more. Eat less.
Why would you let a blind barber give you a haircut? No matter how you spin it, bald spots style will never catch on. Well, maybe if someone makes walking around blindfolded popular.
Why in the hell would you do number 2 in anyone’s bathroom without checking to see if there’s any toilet paper? You can always use your socks to wipe your ass and clean off your fingers once you’ve finished writing the phrase, “Need Toilet Paper,” in sh*t on the walls. Just don’t count on being invited back to the paperless establishment. Also, you may need to buy a new pair of socks.
What sense does it make to drive blindfolded while wearing a seat belt??? None, but there’s no point in living on the edge if you’re going to be safe about it.
Why would you try to use an EBT card to make an online purchase? On second thought, you’d be surprised at the perks of living in the hood.
Just because the fattest coworker at your job buys you lunch every day simply to make it appear as if they have friends doesn’t mean you should agree to sleep with them to even the debt. Maybe you should take a class in using people to avoid this type of horrifying self-reduction in the future.
Why would you serve alcohol at a celebratory recovery party to a recovering drunk? This is a sure way to get a one-way ticket straight to hell. That is unless you have friends in high — or low places.