Give yourself the option of not making losing an option.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Beware of pickpockets and loose women.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Incredibly brave and incredibly stupid is one incredibly interesting mix.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You are bound to make a decision driven by a boil in your armpit.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Always remain friends with anyone that can give you a store discount on Tupperware.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Carelessness can cost you a front tooth and 24 hours of joke-buttism.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Those who usually look out for your best interest will take a 24 hour break from telling you the truth, and in turn your outfit will be the laughing stock of the bus stop.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You are eager to move but the corns on your toes are too heavy to lift your feet. You’re going nowhere fast.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
A certain sassiness can serve you well, unless you have a pimp for a boss. Otherwise the Aquarian HORRORscope applies to you.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Others are certain to rally around you when they realize your bribe is worth more than a chili dog from an outside hot dog vendor.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Avoid coming down too hard on one that carries an inflatable boxing glove in his back pocket.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You may have to step in and finish a job for someone who is unexpectedly called away. This is called CORPORATE AMERICA SYNDROME.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Never trust anyone that shows their ass before they show their face.
Quote of the week: “Only a strong man lives to tell the tale of walking a mile in uncomfortable shoes.”
