Give yourself the option of not making losing an option.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Beware of pickpockets and loose women.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Incredibly brave and incredibly stupid is one incredibly interesting mix.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are bound to make a decision driven by a boil in your armpit.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Always remain friends with anyone that can give you a store discount on Tupperware.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Carelessness can cost you a front tooth and 24 hours of joke-buttism.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Those who usually look out for your best interest will take a 24 hour break from telling you the truth, and in turn your outfit will be the laughing stock of the bus stop.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You are eager to move but the corns on your toes are too heavy to lift your feet. You’re going nowhere fast.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A certain sassiness can serve you well, unless you have a pimp for a boss. Otherwise the Aquarian HORRORscope applies to you.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Others are certain to rally around you when they realize your bribe is worth more than a chili dog from an outside hot dog vendor.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Avoid coming down too hard on one that carries an inflatable boxing glove in his back pocket.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You may have to step in and finish a job for someone who is unexpectedly called away. This is called CORPORATE AMERICA SYNDROME.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Never trust anyone that shows their ass before they show their face.

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Quote of the week:    “Only a strong man lives to tell the tale of walking a mile in uncomfortable shoes.”