Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 28-July 4, 2015

How Much

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Staple a block of jelly to your nipples and call it body art or fat people foreplay. Do this at high noon tomorrow.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

No one can hear you over the loud color of your cheap pants.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Beware of a sausage fight with a giant gnome.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

You have something in common with a wild bull, a banana peel and a pail of water. Chew on that for a minute.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Never wear socks made of electric eels.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Nothing can dampen your enthusiasm except a wet rag and an empty bucket of chicken.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Now is not the time to underestimate a blind man’s midget seeing eye dog.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Someone is likely to make demands of you that you cannot take seriously. Oops! Sorry. That was someone else’s horoscope about you.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

There aren’t many things are more exciting than photographing chimps doing the macarena.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

You might understand the madness but you won’t appreciate the method. This will have a lot to do with your public school education.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Learn how and when to celebrate yourself. It’s necessary for the amount of time you spend uninvited to parties.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The last person who drew giraffes on your stomach mysteriously melted into a puddle of goo.


Quote of the week:   “Don’t glue live goats to your toilet seat.”

HOTTYWOOD’S HORRORscopes: Week of June 22-27-2015

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If this is what your luck has in store for you this week, GOOD LUCK!


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is nothing good about getting kicked in the mouth by a llama. You will learn this the hard way.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You may have to wait until late in the day to have a showdown with a three legged squirrel on steroids. Be patient. The time is coming; or not. Whatever.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

It’s possible to go shopping your whole entire life and still have nothing to wear.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There’s no time like the present, although you said that yesterday, in which case if you haven’t done what you didn’t do yesterday today, then tomorrow probably isn’t looking so good either and you will have proven yourself to be a big fat liar. Don’t be a big fat liar.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You might question the quality of your own ideas. Good. You should. They are dumb. Tomorrow may be a better day for you but you might want to question that, too.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The sooner you finish something that will seemingly kick your butt, the sooner you’ll find an angry mob of dwarves standing in line with pitch forks and baseball bats waiting to recoup the money you borrowed from them 14 weeks ago during a drunken rave with a floosy you met on the side of a highway.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Opportunity awaits you on Tuesday, April 23, 2019. If you’re still alive then, DON’T SAY NO.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You will meet a box from a far away land.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Asking someone to show you where the Self-Help section of the book store is defeats its purpose.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You’re not totally useless. You can be used as a bad example.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

It’s not a secret. It’s just none of your business.


Quote of the week:   “There are 23 nicknames going around for you. None of them are flattering.””

Don’t Talk, Just Listen

ON THIS DAY 5 YEARS AGO….


When is it permissible to say something when you have nothing nice to say?   Is it when someone cuts you off on the freeway?  Or when a person dismisses your conversation to monopolize the conversation about them?   What about if someone farts at the dinner table or if their pinky toenail is splitting through the leather of their shoes?

If you’re anything like me, you’re smart enough to know that that golden rule your mother taught you about knowing when to shut up does not apply to every situation.  Sometimes the best thing to say is the worst thing possible.  No one is that reserved.  Well, maybe nuns are but I’ve met my share of nuns who secretly had red-dyed habits stashed away somewhere in their dank little rooms.  But that’s a horse of a different color.

The point is ‘speaking your mind’ has somehow gotten lost in the travels of time.  It’s seen as and/or defined as being rude or inconsiderate.  You know what I say about that?  Hog wash!   Speaking when you have nothing nice to say is a term of endearment for all parties involved.

To the person who has nothing nice to say — let it out.  Your evil, petty and maybe even vindictive expressions may very well shed light on the listening victim’s inner ego, bad fashion sense, hygiene or overall being, for that matter.  You could also be inadvertently reminding someone how much they don’t want to be like you – insulting, abrupt, coarse, disrespectful, impolite, scurrilous or just down right rude.

To the person who is targeted by someone else’s discourteous comments, this is your opportunity to learn.  Channel your inner Sponge Bob and absorb the annotations whether ill-intended or jokingly.  If you need to cut your toenails, perm your split ends or not forget to wash all the important parts of your body, it’s better to hear it now and stop prolonging what inevitably needs to change for you to be less more of a gotdamn shame.

And finally, to the people who are sitting around listening to this sh*t, you have to admire the humor.  The nerve of some people!

Ladies and gentleman, guys, gals, cats and kittens – stop being so damn politically correct and just release into the atmosphere that which is clogging your better sense of morals and manners.  Speak up!  That’s what our lips are for.  They serve a purpose.  Truth.  Justice.  Humor.


Quote of the week:   “Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.”

Don’t Pay Money for an Undone Do: That’s a Major DON’T

Admit it – you’re guilty of chuckling once or twice at a woman (or a man) whose wig is less than attractive.  But to you, it’s nothing more than an unkempt hair piece.  However, before you move on to the next humorous sighting of the day, what do you know about wigs, other than what you’ve been taught to believe?  If you know nothing about it, let me school you a little bit.  You’re probably asking yourself what it is I could possibly know about wigs.  The answer is simple.  Hottywood Helps for a damn reason so you’d be surprised at some of the things I know.  I’ve seen a lot in my walk of life and I’ve met a lot of people – good and bad – with good and bad hair to match!   Now sit down, shut the hell up and listen for a spell.  You just might learn something.

First of all let’s begin by learning what a wig is.  A wig is a head of hair made from a variety of sources.   Contrary to popular belief, wigs don’t just come from horses.  I know…I said the same thing.  Wigs also are made from human hair, buffalo hair, wool, feathers, and other synthetic materials.  Believe it or not though, the industry choice of a wig’s source is yak hair!   I love that word, “yak.”  Yak hair is not only inexpensive but it’s also the closest in consistency and appearance to human hair.  Tell that to Bomquisha the next time she wears her rat fur wig on her next cigarette run to the corner store.

The word wig is short for periwig and first appeared in the English language some time around 1675.  That’s a little before everyone’s time, except the mean old nun who always ducks behind the bush when she sees me coming.  I don’t know what that’s all about but we’ll save that for another story.

Though most people wear wigs to cover up the fact they are bald as hell or are just too damn lazy to get up and do something creative, or even simple for that matter, to their hair, actors wear them to better portray characters on film.  So it’s also a prop; a money maker; a way to be someone else.  An essential for people with split personalities.  Uh oh.  This has the potential to take a turn for the worst.

Side note:  Watch how many lazy people are going to use this excuse to get away with not doing their hair.   

Anyway, moving on.  Wigs are essentially a Western form of dress.  In the Far East, they are rarely worn except in the traditional theatre of China and Japan.  The ancient Egyptians wore them to shield their shaved, hairless heads from the sun.  After the fall of the Roman Empire, the fad of wigs kind of died off.  I guess being bald was more popular and acceptable then, that is until the 16th century-fashionistas revived the trend, when going bald lost its appeal once again.  I guess it’s true what they say: Fashion repeats itself just like a person with a small wardrobe does.  But get this, and hold on to your britches:  They also served a practical purpose: the unhygienic conditions of the time meant that hair attracted head lice, a problem that could be much reduced if natural hair were shaved and replaced with an artificial hair piece. Fur hoods were also used in a similar preventative fashion.

[Random Thought]  I wonder what the case was in Alaska?  Let me get Sarah Palin on the line!  She’ll probably know more about this than she knew about running for Vice President, but you didn’t hear that from me. 

With the inception of this wiggy trend, popular people embraced the style and really made it a royal sweep.  We’re talking great celebrities who’ve made a mark on this world as we know it!  NO, I’m not talking about Wendy Williams.  I’m referring to celebrities who may have been just a tad bit more influential, like Queen Elizabeth I of England, Marie Antoinette, King Louis the XIII and King Louis XIV of France, who by the way introduced wig-wearing to men in the early 1600s.  I bet you didn’t know that men found wigs to be intriguing too — even back then.  In fact in the 18th century, men’s wigs were powdered in order to give them their distinctive white or off-white color.  I guess you can say men came up with the first cheap way of dying their hair.  Na na na boo boo ladies, you are copy cats!  Women in the 18th century did not wear wigs, but wore a coiffure supplemented by artificial hair, or hair from other sources.  So that was around the time when tracks, aka hair weaves, became popular, however we’ll save those details for another class session.  Wigs even became an essential for full dress occasions and continued in use until almost the end of the 18th century.

Skipping ahead a few gazillion & 1 days and sailing our way over to the United States, only the first five Presidents since George Washington [until James Monroe] wore wigs.  Of course, by the time wigs migrated over to American soil, they weren’t as popular as before.  Key words here, “…not as popular…”

Today the shit is just out of control.  From colorful afros to floor-length Cher hair, most commonly seen on the stages of drag-queen night clubs, people have taken the historic head piece too damn far.  Now I’m not going to say that some people can’t get away with it.  If you have the confidence, the know-how and the balls to pull it off, then do!  Nothing speaks more volumes than that of individuality.  Just know your limits.  First and foremost, keep them up!  If you insist on wearing a nappy wig, you might as well your show your natural roots.  I can’t imagine anyone wanting to pay money for an undone do!  That’s just a simple DON’T.  Follow the footsteps of the more modernized celebrity royalty like, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Donald Trump and once again Wendy Williams.  Come on, you gotta give it up to Wendy, the wench can rock some wigs….Donald Trump, not so much.

To sum up all this blah blah about wigs…it’s more than just a fashion statement.  It’s a part of history.  A part of history that’s just as important to know as the date of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, which was…um…um…well that’s not important right now.  Hey, most of the dudes who signed the declaration wore wigs too.  I’m not encouraging any men to go out and buy the first wig they see on a shelf, although many don’t need my encouragement for that.  Half of them are doing it anyway.  What I will say is if you’re going to wear it, have some substance behind your reason other than your kitchen beautician didn’t pay her electric bill.  Absorbing a little knowledge – even about something you may believe isn’t all that important – isn’t very hard to do.  All it takes is a little effort and 90% of any effort is getting started.


Quote of the week:   “Always forgive your enemies, or not. Who cares?”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 14-20, 2015

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Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

It’s possible that the stench of your socks may burn through the soles of your shoes.  Try taping buckets of bleach to your ankles.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Balance your stress level by counting the number of times you can say the word, “F*ck” in one day.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

It may be time to change your underwear if they have fur growing on them.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

No other word can better explain your personal opinion better than the word, “…uh.”


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There is one thing that everyone hates about you.  Everything.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Seek refuge and know that being hit with rotten tomatoes is considered a form of respect in a small village not very far away from Disney Land.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Beware of an angry mob that’s low on self-esteem and high off caffeine.  It never ends well.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Reading the comic section of the newspaper is not expanding your literary culture unless you work for the federal government.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

There are two things in life you should practice: Patience and not hitting the toilet seat when you pee.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Everything you eat will taste like envelope glue.  This is probably not a good week for late night booty calls.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You need some attention and adventure in your life.  Go to your local airport and sniff people’s bags like a basset hound.  After which scream, “Bomb!”  You’ll be guaranteed at least 15 minutes of fame before being hauled off to the slammer, where you’ll probably get more attention that you bargained for.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

It’s time to start paying more attention to your dandruff.


Quote of the week:   “You should just change your voicemail message to, “Please hang up and text me.””

When the Weave that Would Suddenly Won’t

Let’s face it, when the weather is too hot even for the sun, not even the coolest rides can stand up to the scorching heat.

This week in Washington,  temperatures are sky-rocketing to ‘hell’ degrees. By ‘hell degrees’ I mean a high temperature of about 94-1,000,000 with a heat index somewhere around 209 gazillion. With a code red heat advisory  in effect for the residents of the Metropolitan area, or at least the residents of my apartment, it is with great regret that I say the warning has nothing to do with the heat itself but rather the mane on the crowns of those that suffer from the sun’s stinging rays.  This is usually the point in the text where I make some witty comment about the subject at hand however my brain sizzled to a point of evaporation somewhere during the journey between the walk from the parking lot to my office door.

Instead, a lot of DC females will watch their  weave money burst into flames because 9 out 10 of them failed to buy a pack of weave that carries a heat resistant label on the package.

Because my fingertips are beginning to melt as they stroke the letters on my keyboard, I’m going to cut to the chase and let the below images speak for themselves. Keep your fingers crossed that if the heat doesn’t kill me first, the women of DC, Maryland and/or Virginia whose weaves are standing on its last leg don’t come charging after me for making fun of their tragic tresses.

“If I were you I’d wear a hat, too.”


“Her hat must’ve evaporated while waiting at the bus stop. I wish it were my eyes that melted instead of her hat.”


“If I didn’t know any better I’d think her whole head exploded.”


“This ass lost its tail for nothing.”


The only way a bad weave could get any worse [due to the devil himself rising from the pits of hell] is if the weave started out looking bad to begin with.

I rest my case.


Quote of the Week:  “Whether the weather be fine, Whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold, Whether the weather be hot, We’ll weather the weather, Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not.”

Summer Sizzles! Break Up to Make Out

The summer is sizzling and unfortunately, so are the tempers!  With each increasing degree of summer’s blaze, more and more clothes are peeling off, revealing to men and women alike, the glistening skin of toned upper torsos and perky ta-tas.  Tis the season to be jolly, just as long as you are single.

Smart mouths, bickering gripes, and wandering eyes are what most people have to look forward to this summer.  Short skirts and tank-tops are the season’s way of reminding bunned-up couples that it’s time to ditch their mates and flirt with every passer by who’ll look at the sweat dripping in all the right places for all the scandalously wrong reasons.

Get ready folks.  A rumblin’ is a comin’.

It’s no secret that most relationships die off around the holidays – specifically birthdays, Christmas and Valentine’s Day, so the cheap one in the relationship doesn’t have to buy the needy one a gift.  But when the summer months come around, it’s a horse of a different color!  Men workout more to lift those perfect pecks while women eat less to give their waistline the ideal measure to accentuate those perfect boobs and that chewable apple bottom.  The name of the game is to look your best and flaunt all your assets because now is the time more people are going to be interested in what you have to offer — sans conversation, intelligence. accomplishments and all that extra mumbo jumbo.

During the hot season of summer, women are less likely to roll their eyes at a man for greeting her with a false sense of intention. Seemingly, men are more on top of their “game” because the woman is often times, much easier than she’d be if the chill in the air was as rigid as the chip on her shoulder.   It’s easy pickings.  One trollop after another.  One trip to the clinic waiting to happen.  No repercussions.  No explanations.  No ifs, ands or buts.

But don’t be fooled by the nearly naked.  These skanks-in-waiting are merely on loan.  The break-ups people encounter for the summer for reckless sexual arousal are usually temporary.  You can’t place much expectation in a dry hump on a hot July night.  The hump is just a hump and it ordinarily leads to an open gate of more activity with more players to the field.  The summer is typically not the right time to try to get into a relationship.  That’s what the rest of the year is for – again, except for the above mentioned holidays – birthdays, Christmas and Valentine’s Day (for all you cheap readers out there). 

The next time your mate picks a fight with you, don’t take it personally.  It’s just a change of a season.  Well…maybe you can take it a little personally considering they’re only doing it for a free-for-all for those half dressed scoundrels who look better out of clothes than you do.  Let them go.  Like a boomerang, they’ll come back.  In the meantime, don’t feel guilty for wearing less material and showing off more of your own body parts.  Hey – if you got it, flaunt it.  You’ll appreciate the attention in the long run.  You’ll also have quite a little memory in the back of your mind when winter has returned and you and your lover aren’t speaking over some dumb argument that made no sense in the first place.  Just because you’re at the mall doesn’t mean you can’t shop…especially if there’s a return policy in effect.

This summer, go out.  Take a little off and see where, what and to whom it leads.  Stella got her groove back in the summer months.  So can you.


Quote of the week:   “Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.”

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Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist – Get your copy today!

HottywoodHelps.com brings to you its debut book, “Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist, which chronicles the tale of a young Hottywood and his inspiration behind becoming a humorous advice columnist.

Click HERE to purchase your copy

TUAC Cover

After being holed up in a grungy jail cell for a crime committed by his alter ego, Gardner, a Washington DC newspaper editor, sits down for his first one-on-one interview with the very one who framed him, Hottywood Helps. What Gardner discovers is that Hottywood’s wisdom (per the nonconformist musings of his own witty advice column, ASK HOTTYWOOD!) comes with a past. The advice connoisseur embraces his calling as an unorthodox advice columnist when he finds himself amidst the drama of friends who had betrayed their love interests, in addition to witnessing a sideways cultural upheaval in his very own neighborhood; and in true artist fashion, paints pictures on his computer screen as Gardner experiences the adventures first hand.

Through Gardner’s fingertips, Hottywood’s voice sings in blog posts responding to individuals seeking solutions to their troubled day-to-day lives. Whether he’s filling the seats of church pews or spinning in office swivel chairs, Hottywood does not disappoint in guiding the misguided with over-the-top solutions to small life difficulties and easily comes into this own as a beacon of counsel behind a facade of a pair of dark shades.

Washington DC is a small city with big nerve. Ask anyone.

Better yet, ASK HOTTYWOOD!

 


 Find out more about Garfield S. Gardner, Author and Dream Free or Die!℠ Press


Garfield S. Gardner, live, with Eddie Kayne and A Cup of Tea on the Eddie Kane Show

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 7-13, 2015

All will be told when the scroll unfolds.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Today the carryout. Tomorrow the world!


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may find yourself doing something you don’t want to do, like sleeping with that gross someone only so they can pay your phone bill that’s soon to be cut off. Sucks to be you.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are able to use every moment of the day to your advantage; mostly because you believe you are the only important person on the planet. Dinner for one is inevitable.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

You may not have money to throw at a certain problem, which means you’ll likely not be invited to any more strip clubs or bachelor parties.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You know one or two things that others don’t, like your middle name and the actual amount of time it takes for you to pee.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A wise midget will tell you to think big in small steps.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A man that scratches his butt should not bite his fingernails.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Everything you eat will taste as if it has freezer burn. This is a good week for random dating.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The greatest gift you can give yourself this week is to not listen to your own dumb advice. Listen to someone else’s so you can blame them when something goes wrong.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You know that annoying person in the office that you hate to be around? This week that person is you.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

It may be difficult to stay grounded today with all that hot air you have bottled up inside of you.


Quote of the week:    “Living in water and being an enemy of the crocodile is not good.”

Lock and Load: The Season of the Flip-Flop is Upon Us

Ugly Feet ShoeIt’s almost that time again – the wretched season of the flip flop.

With winter slowly, almost and  finally kind of toying with the idea of getting lost to make way for Spring’s fresh, frilly and fragrant flowers, it won’t be long before the fragrance of those flowers are overpowered by bunion cream and foot powder.

That’s right kats and kittens, tis’ the season to be not-so-jolly with the return of flips flops and sandals [paired with white socks]. Woe is me!

Gun FootIf you’ve been following HottywoodHelps.com for the past couple of years, then you are well aware of my unconditional despise for sandals. I won’t even bother to mention the words “flip flops” again because the words alone make my stomach quiver. As much as I’m not looking forward to different variations of footwear toe displays, I am equally as excited about finally putting my portable rocket launcher to good use.

Spring and summer are the only explainable seasons for firing off missiles aimed at unkempt feet and even more disastrous footwear – Jesus sandals, gladiator sandals, flat sandals, slide sandals, topless sandals and my absolute least favorite – thong ip-ops (rhymes with flip-flops). And don’t even mention the sin of putting on foot sweaters (socks) with sandals. That should be one of the 10 commandments: “Thou shalt not go there.”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a happening kind of guy. I can get with most of today’s fashion trends – with the exception of skinny jeans, sagging jeans, excessive hair extensions, overdramatized faux eyelashes and wearing sunglasses at night – but you lose me with toe thongs. I dunno, call me old fashioned.

Is now a good time to bring up my idea of eliminating feet and shoes all together and replacing them with wheels? At least then we’ll stumble across a new fashion phase – ankle hubcap spinners! Yay or Nay? What say ye?

foot wheels


Quote of the week:   “If you want to forget about all your other troubles, wear a pair of shoes all day that are too small for your feet.”

Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist SNIPPET

Here’s a sneak peek at what you’ll get when you order your copy of HottywoodHelps.com’s debut book, “Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist“.


THE HOLY HOOD CHURCH OF MOUNT MATTRESS BEDSIDE TABERNACLE

TUAC CoverStaying true to my lineage of spirituality, I have to give credit to the church for introducing me to a whole new brand of people – heathens! Not only has church been the place where I attained an understanding of my faith, it harbored some of the most devilishly sanctified people. If that doesn’t justify a single person’s imperfections, I don’t know what does. Because of such insight, I’m well equipped to spot all the warning signs of a person that lies like the devil.

Somewhere on the corner between the firehouse and the gas station, around the block and three car washes away from home, sat a small little tabernacle where my grandmother raised her fourteen and a half children (my uncle is a midget). I’m sure it took the power of God to keep a single mother of that many kids from going all psycho every now and always. In her house, there were three rules the brood had to abide by: how to cook; what Granny said went; and the recognition of power in the name of Jesus.

Every Sunday morning Granny dressed her kids in the finest tailored window curtains and carried them to Mount Mayhem, a small church in number though great in spirit. Mount Mayhem was my family’s second home. Strong in participation from the choir to the flower club, Granny and the gang formed half of the congregation, which three generations later grew into quite the mega church. With the passing of Pastor Puss Bump, Mount Mayhem’s co-founder and Granny’s one time beau, his son, Shugart Do Right Puss Bump, a reformed pimp, reined dominion over the pulpit. Out of a barrel of a gun, time shot small changes in the church that began with a flashing yellow OPEN ALL NIGHT sign and a drastic renaming. Mount Mayhem had now become The Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle. And its members were just as entertaining as its name.

People from all walks of life came to celebrate the celebrity of the new Holy Hood. It was a church like none other. Service started whenever the pastor got there. Some Sunday morning worshippers spent the majority of their week at the church because the lower auditorium doubled as an after-hours speak easy. Every Tuesday through Thursday you were sure to find some deacon’s offspring gambling away his tithes and offering in a game of spades or blackjack. But Sunday was the day when all souls could feel the heat of the lights, cameras, and action.  It had gotten to a point where I, myself, had only gone to church for the show rather than the word, which later came back to bite me in the ass. I wasn’t the only one burned for messing with the Lord. In fact, the Holy Hood church was full of worshippers that misinterpreted the bible and the warnings of judgment day.

I can remember a particular Sunday morning like it was yesterday. . .

READ MORE….

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 31-June 6, 2015

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Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You won’t because you want to. That’s why you can’t.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your greatest talents are cutting a bitch, drinking a 40oz and knitting.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Whatever ill thing you did yesterday, it warrants you to wear an itchy leotard for 24 hours straight. No bathroom breaks.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Grab your own ass the next time you’re in public and moo like a cow. If anyone looks at you strangely, hiss like a cat. This will really confuse the hell out of them. Avoid straight jackets.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You will feel useless to everyone around you except for when someone needs their trash taken out.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The most magical place on Earth is not Disney Land. It’s the public bathroom on Route 66.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Someone will accuse you of spending too much time with a kitchen appliance. However what you do in your spare time is nobody’s business. Just don’t expect any company over for dinner, you freak.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Beneath your good spirited disposition is a backstabbing warthog whose dying to be famous and then betray everyone who helped you rise to the top. Oh, and your socks don’t match.


 

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You will eventually find peace, but only when you get to the end of your second brewsky, on the third day of the sun’s rotation, between 12:24 and 1:37 ½ – pm.


 

Libra

September 23 – October 22

The next date you go out on will remind you just how boring you are, considering you’re lucky enough to get asked out at all.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Enlighten a neighbor of the many ways they can use the word “shit” in a sentence. This will prove to them that you are no smarter than they’ve you given credit for.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

For the next seven days you will be cursed to walk through invisible spider webs. …or at least one of the voices in your head will suffer this curse.


Quote of the week:    “Follow your heart but take your brain with you.”