Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
December 22 – January 19
You won’t because you want to. That’s why you can’t.
January 20 – February 18
Your greatest talents are cutting a bitch, drinking a 40oz and knitting.
February 19 – March 20
Whatever ill thing you did yesterday, it warrants you to wear an itchy leotard for 24 hours straight. No bathroom breaks.
March 21 – April 19
Grab your own ass the next time you’re in public and moo like a cow. If anyone looks at you strangely, hiss like a cat. This will really confuse the hell out of them. Avoid straight jackets.
April 20 – May 20
You will feel useless to everyone around you except for when someone needs their trash taken out.
May 21 – June 20
The most magical place on Earth is not Disney Land. It’s the public bathroom on Route 66.
June 21 – July 22
Someone will accuse you of spending too much time with a kitchen appliance. However what you do in your spare time is nobody’s business. Just don’t expect any company over for dinner, you freak.
July 23 – August 22
Beneath your good spirited disposition is a backstabbing warthog whose dying to be famous and then betray everyone who helped you rise to the top. Oh, and your socks don’t match.
August 23 – September 22
You will eventually find peace, but only when you get to the end of your second brewsky, on the third day of the sun’s rotation, between 12:24 and 1:37 ½ – pm.
September 23 – October 22
The next date you go out on will remind you just how boring you are, considering you’re lucky enough to get asked out at all.
October 23 – November 21
Enlighten a neighbor of the many ways they can use the word “shit” in a sentence. This will prove to them that you are no smarter than they’ve you given credit for.
November 22 – December 21
For the next seven days you will be cursed to walk through invisible spider webs. …or at least one of the voices in your head will suffer this curse.
Quote of the week: “Follow your heart but take your brain with you.”