All will be told when the scroll unfolds.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Today the carryout. Tomorrow the world!

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may find yourself doing something you don’t want to do, like sleeping with that gross someone only so they can pay your phone bill that’s soon to be cut off. Sucks to be you.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are able to use every moment of the day to your advantage; mostly because you believe you are the only important person on the planet. Dinner for one is inevitable.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You may not have money to throw at a certain problem, which means you’ll likely not be invited to any more strip clubs or bachelor parties.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You know one or two things that others don’t, like your middle name and the actual amount of time it takes for you to pee.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A wise midget will tell you to think big in small steps.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A man that scratches his butt should not bite his fingernails.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Everything you eat will taste as if it has freezer burn. This is a good week for random dating.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The greatest gift you can give yourself this week is to not listen to your own dumb advice. Listen to someone else’s so you can blame them when something goes wrong.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You know that annoying person in the office that you hate to be around? This week that person is you.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

It may be difficult to stay grounded today with all that hot air you have bottled up inside of you.

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Quote of the week:    “Living in water and being an enemy of the crocodile is not good.”