All will be told when the scroll unfolds.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Today the carryout. Tomorrow the world!
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You may find yourself doing something you don’t want to do, like sleeping with that gross someone only so they can pay your phone bill that’s soon to be cut off. Sucks to be you.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You are able to use every moment of the day to your advantage; mostly because you believe you are the only important person on the planet. Dinner for one is inevitable.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
You may not have money to throw at a certain problem, which means you’ll likely not be invited to any more strip clubs or bachelor parties.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You know one or two things that others don’t, like your middle name and the actual amount of time it takes for you to pee.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
A wise midget will tell you to think big in small steps.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
A man that scratches his butt should not bite his fingernails.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Everything you eat will taste as if it has freezer burn. This is a good week for random dating.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
The greatest gift you can give yourself this week is to not listen to your own dumb advice. Listen to someone else’s so you can blame them when something goes wrong.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You know that annoying person in the office that you hate to be around? This week that person is you.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
It may be difficult to stay grounded today with all that hot air you have bottled up inside of you.
Quote of the week: “Living in water and being an enemy of the crocodile is not good.”
