Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

It’s possible that the stench of your socks may burn through the soles of your shoes.  Try taping buckets of bleach to your ankles.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Balance your stress level by counting the number of times you can say the word, “F*ck” in one day.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

It may be time to change your underwear if they have fur growing on them.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

No other word can better explain your personal opinion better than the word, “…uh.”

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There is one thing that everyone hates about you.  Everything.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Seek refuge and know that being hit with rotten tomatoes is considered a form of respect in a small village not very far away from Disney Land.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Beware of an angry mob that’s low on self-esteem and high off caffeine.  It never ends well.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Reading the comic section of the newspaper is not expanding your literary culture unless you work for the federal government.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

There are two things in life you should practice: Patience and not hitting the toilet seat when you pee.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Everything you eat will taste like envelope glue.  This is probably not a good week for late night booty calls.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You need some attention and adventure in your life.  Go to your local airport and sniff people’s bags like a basset hound.  After which scream, “Bomb!”  You’ll be guaranteed at least 15 minutes of fame before being hauled off to the slammer, where you’ll probably get more attention that you bargained for.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

It’s time to start paying more attention to your dandruff.

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Quote of the week:   “You should just change your voicemail message to, “Please hang up and text me.””