Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
It’s possible that the stench of your socks may burn through the soles of your shoes. Try taping buckets of bleach to your ankles.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Balance your stress level by counting the number of times you can say the word, “F*ck” in one day.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
It may be time to change your underwear if they have fur growing on them.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
No other word can better explain your personal opinion better than the word, “…uh.”
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
There is one thing that everyone hates about you. Everything.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Seek refuge and know that being hit with rotten tomatoes is considered a form of respect in a small village not very far away from Disney Land.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Beware of an angry mob that’s low on self-esteem and high off caffeine. It never ends well.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Reading the comic section of the newspaper is not expanding your literary culture unless you work for the federal government.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
There are two things in life you should practice: Patience and not hitting the toilet seat when you pee.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Everything you eat will taste like envelope glue. This is probably not a good week for late night booty calls.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You need some attention and adventure in your life. Go to your local airport and sniff people’s bags like a basset hound. After which scream, “Bomb!” You’ll be guaranteed at least 15 minutes of fame before being hauled off to the slammer, where you’ll probably get more attention that you bargained for.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
It’s time to start paying more attention to your dandruff.
Quote of the week: “You should just change your voicemail message to, “Please hang up and text me.””
