If this is what your luck has in store for you this week, GOOD LUCK!
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
There is nothing good about getting kicked in the mouth by a llama. You will learn this the hard way.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You may have to wait until late in the day to have a showdown with a three legged squirrel on steroids. Be patient. The time is coming; or not. Whatever.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
It’s possible to go shopping your whole entire life and still have nothing to wear.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
There’s no time like the present, although you said that yesterday, in which case if you haven’t done what you didn’t do yesterday today, then tomorrow probably isn’t looking so good either and you will have proven yourself to be a big fat liar. Don’t be a big fat liar.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You might question the quality of your own ideas. Good. You should. They are dumb. Tomorrow may be a better day for you but you might want to question that, too.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
The sooner you finish something that will seemingly kick your butt, the sooner you’ll find an angry mob of dwarves standing in line with pitch forks and baseball bats waiting to recoup the money you borrowed from them 14 weeks ago during a drunken rave with a floosy you met on the side of a highway.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Opportunity awaits you on Tuesday, April 23, 2019. If you’re still alive then, DON’T SAY NO.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You will meet a box from a far away land.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Asking someone to show you where the Self-Help section of the book store is defeats its purpose.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You’re not totally useless. You can be used as a bad example.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
It’s not a secret. It’s just none of your business.
Quote of the week: “There are 23 nicknames going around for you. None of them are flattering.””
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