Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Staple a block of jelly to your nipples and call it body art or fat people foreplay. Do this at high noon tomorrow.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
No one can hear you over the loud color of your cheap pants.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Beware of a sausage fight with a giant gnome.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
You have something in common with a wild bull, a banana peel and a pail of water. Chew on that for a minute.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Never wear socks made of electric eels.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Nothing can dampen your enthusiasm except a wet rag and an empty bucket of chicken.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Now is not the time to underestimate a blind man’s midget seeing eye dog.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Someone is likely to make demands of you that you cannot take seriously. Oops! Sorry. That was someone else’s horoscope about you.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
There aren’t many things are more exciting than photographing chimps doing the macarena.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
You might understand the madness but you won’t appreciate the method. This will have a lot to do with your public school education.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Learn how and when to celebrate yourself. It’s necessary for the amount of time you spend uninvited to parties.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The last person who drew giraffes on your stomach mysteriously melted into a puddle of goo.
Quote of the week: “Don’t glue live goats to your toilet seat.”
