Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Staple a block of jelly to your nipples and call it body art or fat people foreplay. Do this at high noon tomorrow.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

No one can hear you over the loud color of your cheap pants.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Beware of a sausage fight with a giant gnome.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You have something in common with a wild bull, a banana peel and a pail of water. Chew on that for a minute.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Never wear socks made of electric eels.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Nothing can dampen your enthusiasm except a wet rag and an empty bucket of chicken.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Now is not the time to underestimate a blind man’s midget seeing eye dog.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Someone is likely to make demands of you that you cannot take seriously. Oops! Sorry. That was someone else’s horoscope about you.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

There aren’t many things are more exciting than photographing chimps doing the macarena.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You might understand the madness but you won’t appreciate the method. This will have a lot to do with your public school education.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Learn how and when to celebrate yourself. It’s necessary for the amount of time you spend uninvited to parties.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The last person who drew giraffes on your stomach mysteriously melted into a puddle of goo.

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Quote of the week:   “Don’t glue live goats to your toilet seat.”