In Case You Missed It

In case you missed it, kats & kittens, here is your chance to listen to Garfield Gardner, author of Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist and creator and writer for HottywoodHelps.com and the ever comical advice column, Ask Hottywood!, chat with the ArtistFirst Radio network.

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Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist


 

 

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Let the People of the Church Say, “Amen!”

When the church bells have finished ringing and the congregation has silenced their whispered gossip, uneasily awaiting the liturgical dance ministry to pop, lock and drop it down the center aisle, wearing the same freak ‘em dresses and f—k me pumps they wore to the club just hours before brushing their teeth and spraying on a quart of the perfume they bought from the 24 hour convenient store, that’s when you know church is in session.

Church has always been the one place where gang-bangers, hoes, and addicts are the most looked down upon and talked about, yet the one place where most faith-filled persons invite these sinners to come, until one sinner dared to stand before the congregation to challenge the sins of the saved versus the lost souls who come to the alter to seek deliverance.

The man who fell prey to the grips of the world stood before a sea of big hats, dark suits and baby mamas too young to tell what the phrase, “wet behind the ears” really means, and dared them all to stand before a mirror to judge themselves before huddling in a prayer circle to condemn the sins of he who needed to be saved.

“Mother Granola Crack,” he called from the church front, pointing his finger in acknowledgement of the seasoned church goer, “…you should be ashamed of yourself to turn your nose up at the children who are singing God’s praises with 16 bars of rap verses when it is all but public knowledge that your granddaughter has bedded just about half of the boys in the choir, as well as the drummer who plays the beat of the percussion.  Deacon Whatshisface should be the first one standing before the alter begging for merciful forgiveness for shouting “Hallelujah!” this morning, when last night he was standing outside of the liquor store shouting obscenities in malice and jest. Brother Pastor Preacher Man should be condemned to a pit of his own deceit as he preaches a word against homosexuality, knowing full well his partner is the one who picked out the First Lady’s handbag and matching shoes.”

The church members clutched their pearls and gasped their breaths in awe as the fallen soul pointed from one member to another.  He pointed to the usher standing at the door of the vestibule and shook his head in disgrace.

“You, my friend, are not guarding the door to God’s house.  You are waiting for your next customer to approach you for their next fix.  You are watching for the men in blue who’ve been peeping you under surveillance for the last 6 weeks.  You are blocking the entry way from your baby’s mama, to whom you owe backed child support.  You aren’t keeping the devil out. You are half-heartedly hiding amongst people wearing Satan’s garments in an effort to disguise your own devilish ways.”

Quickly he pulled the microphone from its stand and recited the following words as he peered upon the church’s trustees:

“I hope you don’t bother to release the hounds on those members who have not yet paid their pledges, dues or tithes, because it would be awfully hypocritical of you when the church’s electric bill is past due and the mortgage company has sent out a third warning notice of eviction.  However I will commend you on the new cushions on these hard ass pews, and the flat screen TV inside the Brother Pastor Preacher Man’s study.  You probably think no one knows what goes on underneath the table, but you can’t and shouldn’t forget how much church folk talk.”

With genuine eyes, he turned to gaze upon Brother Pastor Preacher Man to offer a head nod as acknowledgement of apology for pulling his card.

“You see,” he continued, “I don’t stand before you to point out your sins for the mere satisfaction of seeing you sweat inside your expensive Brooks Brothers suits and Lane Bryant skirts, as enjoying as it may be.  I stand before you to let you know that all have sinned and fallen short of His word.  You nicely dressed heathens have some praying to do for yourselves before you pray falsities upon me.  I may not rise to your once-a-week Sabbath day standards, but I am high on my Father’s list and I know that my work is unfinished because God ain’t through with me yet.  I stand here to be used as a vessel as no truer words have ever been spoken:  Wherefore whosoever shall eat this bread, and drink this cup of the Lord, unworthily, shall be guilty of the body and blood of the Lord.  But let a man examine himself and so let him eat of that bread and drink of that cup.  For he that eateth and drinketh unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnation to himself, not discerning the Lord’s body.  For this cause many are weak and sickly among you, and many sleep.  For if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged.  1 Corinthians 11:27-31.”

At the very moment when the church would usually gather their voices in harmony to recite the ever popular, “Amen!” not a single soul uttered a word, except for the lost souls who came into the sanctuary genuinely seeking salvation and the one man who brought his own communion wine who sadly raised his bottle in the air and said, “I’ll drink to that!”


Quote of the week:   “How will you spend eternity — smoking or non-smoking?”


For more funny play house praise, be sure to pick up your copy of Hottywood Helps’ new book, “Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist” and get your dance on with the members of The Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle!

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 26-August 1, 2015

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Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The same boiling water that softens potatoes hardens eggs.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

At this very moment someone is talking about you and other unsightly blemishes.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Curves and rolls are not the same thing.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

It’s important to know when and how to hide your pissism.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You may not be done but you are finished.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You can always see a man’s intentions when he’s not looking.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Never sneak up on anyone in a graveyard at night.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Destroy the root of the problem. Not the tip of the branch.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your actions.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

The past, the present and the future will walk into a bar and it will be tense.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Change your plan but not your goal. Also change your underwear. That’s pretty important, too.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Going to work is the easy part. Waiting 8 hours to go home is the bullshit challenge.


Quote of the week:   “With great power comes great electricity bills.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 12-18, 2015

 

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I couldn’t go on vacation without giving you all one universal HORRORscope for the week!


Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces, Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, and Sagittarius

Your weekly HORRORscope reads:

You can win any contest as long as it’s not a swimsuit competition.


Quote of the week:   “Laugh at your problems. Everybody else does.”

Duck Sauce Bandits

Guys and gals, it’s been a short while since the last time we’ve griped about anything, so today we will join forces to take a stand against carryout associates who are stingy with their duck sauce.

What is it with these carryout places that prohibit them from giving up more than one packet of duck sauce for all those blasted noodles and rice?  Mingh Lee, Hwong Sai, Zhang Lo, and Kwei Lau Woo all have the same attitude problem when you ask them for extra duck sauce.  First, they look at you as if you’re asking for too much, and then they form their thin lips to tell you that you’re going to have to cough up an extra $.25 for an additional packet.

“Please pause with me for a moment has I clench my heart and gasp at the preposterousness of a quarter of a dollar for something you’re only going to taste once with a mouthful of spit!”

Are you friggin’ kidding me?  Are these packets of sweet heavenly goodness coming out of their paychecks?  Why the hell should the general public have to pay for extra duck sauce?  That’s like paying for the white on rice.

There can only be one of two reasons why carryout associates are ready to pull out their nunchucks at the request of any additional condiments: either (1) they are cheap as hell or (2) the price of duck sauce over in China is as steep as the price of gas is here in the states.

Well, just like Americans and illegal aliens alike have come up with innovative ways to paste pigeon feathers onto their walking shoes to avoid ridiculously scathing gas prices, greedy people who share the same carryout-consumer gripe have become more creative in getting their extra duck sauce, soy sauce and even hot mustard.  Those innovations all ironically include the use of collected fire wood, aerosol spray paint and a book of matches.  That’s right; the greedy and hungry have finally revolted against the cheap and stingy.  “Enough is enough.”

“Whatever happened to the saying, “The customer is always right.”?  Where’s the love?”

For the sake of all things fried and dipped in sesame seeds, loosen up the grip on the duck sauce, carryout associate-son!  How do you expect to come to ‘the hood,’ open up a chicken wing joint that conveniently serves all the lo mein a brutha can eat and then put a cap on the amount of condiments to be given away with each order?  Haven’t your business plans taught you that hood rats overdo everything?  We buy clothes, cars and people that are too far out of our budgets, so it’s only obvious that we’re going to want to overdo it on the fried rice and chow mein.  For you to be smart enough to fry chicken wings the way you do to the point where everyone in the neighborhood is willing to pack on a few extra summer-time pounds, you sure are stupid!  Charging us for the extra “must haves” will only lead to the undoing of your fine grease-filled establishment.

After asking, pleading, and complaining, these warnings have now turned into threats.  Give us some more damn duck sauce or else we’ll have to pull out our stun guns and candle lighters and show you that we mean business.  When it comes to food, drinks and booty calls, we don’t play!  If you think seeing a pissed off Bruce Lee is something, wait until you see a pissed off hungry hood rat!

For your sake, you should be glad we’re talking about duck sauce and not chicken wings.  Otherwise there would be all kinds of hell to pay and guess who would be the leader of that pack.  I won’t call any names, but let’s just say it rhymes with Pottywood.  And I know you wouldn’t want to piss him off.  He’d get you if it was the last thing he’d do.  If but for no other reason and declaration that 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Get your copy of HottywoodHelps.com’s first book, Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist. Available at Amazon.com.

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Quote of the Week:  “It’s not holding on that makes you strong; it’s letting go.”  

Keep That Selfie to Yourself

I’ve always been in favor of self-promotion and an even bigger fan of self-love. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder what people think about when they take “selfies.” Granted, half of the world is obsessed with posting pictures [on social networks] of their new weaves, and dramatic caterpillars eyelashes, or the pimple on their face that they try so desperately to convince all the rest of the world is actually a replica of Marilyn Monroe’s famous beauty mark.  I get it. You love yourself. If you don’t love yourself then how can you expect anyone else to give a damn about you?

What I don’t get are the folks that know they have no business posting pictures of themselves at all. I’m speaking specifically about the people with starched unibrows, and glass eyes, and one nose nostril with a booger hanging out, and lips so dark that their mouth almost looks invisible in night time photos; or the people with hair lines that start in the middle of their chapped head, or the folks that forget to put in their dentures before aiming the camera at their grill.

I don’t understand women that want to show the world pictures of their voluptuous implants and then tell everyone that they are respectable women with not a plastic hooker bone in their body (not that I don’t enjoy looking!), or dudes that think they are turning women on by flexing non-muscles in their bird chests. I don’t see why someone finds it so important for me to see what they’re wearing that day, especially when their outfit consists of striped chef’s pants and dusty crocs. I don’t like to see women throw up the deuce sign while their fingernails look as if they’ve been changing oil at the local mechanic shop all day. I don’t like seeing bathroom sinks or toilet bowls being used as a backdrop for a photo shoot. I know I’m not the only one that doesn’t like it so please, knock it off! I’m serious. Give me a break.

You know if someone wants to look at you OR NOT. You know when your outfit is a fail. You know that someone is going to point out all the flaws you are purposely putting on display. You know if that selfie will make it to the bottom of a trash bin for a NO WAY JOSE magazine cover. You know these things because you are no different from the people that are judging your grade F selfies. You look at other people’s photos and say, “They knew better than that,” or “What the hell?” or “Why?”

Just stop. Before you hit the upload button to Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, ask yourself if your selfie is a smart idea.

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Quote of the Week:  “I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the worm.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 5-11, 2015

Predictions1

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Any single person who licks himself in public like a puppy is most likely single for that very reason.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Police cars, funerals and Aaron Neville concerts are the worst places to ask yourself, “what’s the worst that can happen?”


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You will hit the lottery at the precise moment dog poop turns white.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your reputation precedes itself if no one bothers to ask what you’d do for a Klondike bar.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Botox injections are needles full of lies.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Contrary to popular belief, you can not buy a can of whoop ass from the grocery store even though they are often handed out in the parking lot.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

80% of people go to church for the sermon. 10% go for the music. 9% go to make fun the deaconess’ wigs. You go for the communion wine.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

To a heavy drinker, beer is a favorite uncle that lives in the refrigerator.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A little danger is a tonic for the soul.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Learn how to forgive people, unless that person is someone that puts his/her hands inside your bag of potato chips.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

In some countries hairy areolas are a sign of power and wealth.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The power of your sexuality is harnessed in your ankles.


Quote of the week:   “Lack of consistency is a weakness shared by all nations.”